Author Topic: Graham Dylandy (Criticism only)  (Read 3441 times)

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Graham Dylandy (Criticism only)
« on: June 18, 2017, 05:32:49 PM »
CHARACTER

Name: Graham Dylandy

Age: 17, 6th of Saaral

Species and Gender: Male Human

Symbol: A traditional Japanese katana with cracks and splinters coming off the blade

Occupation: First Year Beacon Student

Appearance: Graham Dylandy stands tall at 5'11, being taller than most people his age. He has a simple complexion, with pale, tanned whitish skin, grey irises and short, messy chestnut brown hair, several locks of which fall across his face. Graham has the facial shape of a slightly flattened oval, not enough to warrant it being a circle. He cuts a fine line between being built and being skinny, having enough of both to confuse people over arguing which description fits him better. Graham is left-handed instead of the usual right.

For everyday clothing, Graham chooses to show his status, opting for a sleeveless electric crimson tailcoat with bright silver linings, which travel the length of the topcoat in ornate patterns. The tailcoat reaches the top of his thighs. An armband with delicate patterns adorns his right forearm. Under the tailcoat, he wears a white and auburn tank top with black and gold trimmings. He also wears, compared to the rest of his outfit, plain white shorts with no special features to them, apart from pockets. His footwear of choice is, strangely enough, sandals. However, these are more tight-fitting than usual sandals, allowing Graham to run. His symbol is nowhere to be found anywhere on his clothing, the only visible place being a tiny stamp on his blade.

In combat, he adds on four extra components: a thin metal belt with a movable metal arm and clamp for his weapon; over his tailcoat, a small ammo belt that encircles Graham's right shoulder and armpit, holding dust canisters, and under all his layers of clothing, a complex leather harness, worn around his neck and chest, designed to reduce muscle injury from sudden jerking movements from his left shoulder reaching down to his left bicep. This is visible when fighting. The last is a mechanical combat mask that covers and protects his mouth and nose when in combat. It splits in half and loosely covers his ears when not in use. However, Graham finds the mask a bit too "edgy" and does not wear it in combat with other humans, unless there is a specific reason to (Desert environments and the like).


History: Born in a rich family in Vale, Graham Dylandy was the newest in a line of Hunters who could trace their ancestry all the way back to the Greyed War, where his ancestor fought without the usage of Dust, opting instead to carry a simple tachi into battle. It was the Dylandy family's decree that at least one descendant should carry on the mantle of being a Hunter, and as Graham was an only child, he was raised with the mindset of being a Hunter capable of impressing his father, who was also a Hunter before him, and passing on their age-old traditions to the next generation.

Every Hunter who had ever come from the Dylandy family had wielded the family heirloom, the same tachi that was used in the Greyed War by their ancestor, passed down with its techniques, kept in near pristine conditions. The techniques were, unlike others, not lost to time and stayed the same, apart from improvements added on by each Hunter. The tachi was the family's most precious possession and was what defined their style. Along with the blade, each generation passed down their gradually expanding knowledge of fighting, a form of martial art based on a iaijutsu/iaido hybrid. Graham was taught this style of combat by his father, who was brought up in the old styles and methods of the Hunters before him, which included his father's father (Graham's grandfather) and his grandfather. At the age of 7, Graham began his iaido training, practicing the movements of the tachi blade in an endless repetition, and at night, he would study to catch up on his education. Due to his implanted mindset, however, Graham showed little interest toward that direction.

It would be 3 years before his father deemed him ready to move on to actual sparring, practicing the first instance of
iaijutsu with a blunt steel blade, unlike the wooden practice blade Graham had used during his iaido training. However, 3 years of just practicing movements does dull the senses of combat, and to counteract this Graham's father brought him to an arms convention hosted by an Atlas company. There, Graham was treated to a spectacle of fighting with weapons beyond his comprehension, all bolstered with technology at another level that even two years of constant training couldn't hold a candle to. His young mind, exposed to high-tech mechanics for the first time (Apart from scrolls, his family didn't keep with the times) swarmed with ideas as to how the techniques he was learning could be aided with such technology.

Back at home, Graham spent a considerable amount of time researching different companies that offered mechanical upgrades, including prosthetics, Dust systems and launching chambers. He also brainstormed concepts that could possibly improve his combat capabilities further beyond his limits. One example was his cutting speed, where his line of thought went to Kinetic Dust. It would definitely improve the velocity of the cut, while another was to completely reforge the tachi with more modern concepts and designs. This ultimately did not proceed because Graham had zero experience with forging his own weapon. He also stayed clear from completely replacing his arm with a prosthetic, though it would be much more powerful. Being a cyborg didn't align with his interests, though he did purchase a mechanical combat mask that covered his mouth and nose when activated.

He went to his father/mentor with the information he'd gleaned and memorised, expecting to be given praise for his hard work and the green light to start modifications. What he didn't expect was harsh rebuking and what would almost result in physical punishment if not for his mother. It turned out his father didn't believe in the advantages of technology, believing that mixing it with their traditions would ruin the meaning, as well as trusting in their skills alone to carry them through any difficulty. "If it isn't broken don't fix it", basically. On the other side of the spectrum, Graham believed that combining technology with sword techniques could push the boundaries of how far he could improve, redefining his limits with no technical aid. This clearly went against the creed of the family, and his father forbid Graham from further pursuing the topic.

The young Graham was nothing if not determined at this point to prove his father wrong once and for all. He continued his training under his father with the pretense of seeing sense in what his father said, with his aim truly being to learn all he could from his father before taking his own path. At 15, with his father deeming him worthy of wielding the family tachi, he presented Graham with the precious sword, the elaborate patterns and simple yet effective blade being the chosen weapon for every Hunter under their roof. However, Graham threw that concept out the window, secretly approaching an Atlesian weapons modification store to request upgrades to the sword, providing ideas and concepts as to what he wanted done to the blade. The end result was Reformation, complete with a Dust ejection system and modernised design. Alongside the tachi, Graham requested a completely new weapon, Trinity, based off a tanto blade and completely mechanised. To prove his father wrong, Graham enrolled in Beacon Academy, relying on his training to tide him through, aiming one day to cross blades with his father and open his eyes to the wide world of opportunities that awaited.

Personality: Graham is your wealthy, old descendant of a traditional family with a twist. He is a vivid believer that technology is the next step to improving the art of combat, even going so far as to modify the old family heirloom, which is considered to be mutilating the sword, at least in his family traditions. Apart from his ideals, which he will fight to defend, he's your average rebellious teenager. Rich and yet not spoiled, he doesn't flaunt his wealth to others, only using money for essentials or enhancements to the tachi blade and sheath (basically, splurging on technology). Graham is practiced at controlling his emotions, capable of showing a good poker face. Otherwise, outside of classes, which he does not do well in (he can't really be bothered to learn stuff that doesn't relate to fighting), and fights, he's pretty easygoing, able to keep his own in a conversation-well, most of the time. In a combat situation, he's confident from the training he's been through, which could be his downfall--overconfidence. It must be noted that Graham does not fight for honor/glory, nor does he fight for the sake of fighting-he will avoid combat if unnecessary.

Graham has a few hobbies, including playing with practice butterfly knives, pen tapping, and magazine-reading, the latter only because he is constantly searching for ways to prove his father wrong, that technology does indeed push the boundaries of combat, and is the way forward if he wishes to improve. He has no skill with actually assembling technology, and relies on outside sources to supply him with the kit he needs. He highly enjoys rock and metal music, and might burst into song if he thinks no-one's looking. If faced with a problem, he has no qualms with spending money to solve it, aka "money isn't a problem". He can be determined if he wants to, even headstrong when challenged. If someone questions his ideals, like his father did, he takes it personally and will not back down until the other person concedes his point.

Aura and Semblance: Aura Color- Electric Crimson

Semblance: Taunt Targeting- Graham looks at a visible living object--human or Grimm--for 2 seconds. The target then gains a deep red glow around it's outline, only visible to Graham, while Graham also gains the same glow, only visible to the target. This takes 5% of his stamina each use. Graham gains a 1/3 damage boost to his attacks against the designated target; however, the same applies to him, as in he takes 1/3rd more damage from the target as well. The target can dispel this effect by moving out of Graham's view completely. This can be achieved simply by forcing Graham's eyes closed for a duration of time longer than a blink, or by pushing his head so he can not see his target. Or moving behind cover. Only one person can be targeted at a time, and the effects fade after 10-15 seconds. After the effects fade, forcedly or otherwise, Graham must "recharge" for 15 seconds before he can use his Semblance again.

Combat Behavior: Think of Graham as a left-handed high-tech samurai with no code of honor to uphold. Due to Graham being left-handed, any tactics his opponent may have when fighting are mentally thrown off balance. He is very flexible (his body, not his tactics) and can use this to his advantage. Graham can alter his fighting style slightly between one-handed and two-handed, one being the swifter and shorter swings and parries, while two being the heavier slashes and stabs. When using a one-handed grip, his right hand is almost always on the ridged grip of his sheath. He does not dual-wield his tachi and his tanto, only using one at a time. Graham is capable of pulling off butterfly knife tricks mid-fight to distract his opponents, though he does run the risk of dropping the blade.

He is proficient in close-quarters dueling, whether it be swords, axes or hammers, but struggles against brawlers or fighters who get inside his tachi's range, or stay far enough from him that the tachi blade cannot reach them, like spear/glaive users. Graham has no hand-to-hand training, so disarming him will render him basically helpless (he can barely throw a punch). He has based almost all his combat strategies and styles on single combat, and while he excels at it, he is easily overwhelmed if multiple enemies gang up on him. It is noted that he does not adapt quickly to unorthodox weaponry like chains, boomerangs, or weapons that aren't normally seen on the battlefield, nor are his movements fast.

During his training, Graham was taught iaijutsu-based techniques as well as iaido, focusing on being aware and quickly responding to attacks. The training resulted in him being able to carry out smooth, controlled movements as well as enhancing his reaction time, and he prominently displays this when fighting, returning his tachi to the sheath after every confrontation, or when he needs to reposition himself. Iaijutsu is also utilised with the tanto. One technique he has practiced often is a Kinetic Dust-enhanced sword strike, straight from the sheath. The increased momentum from the Dust charge allows Graham to carry out highly powerful swings, though this is limited in that he needs to return the tachi to the sheath, and that he only has a limited amount of dust charges (5).

WEAPONS

Name: Reformation

Primary Weapon: Reformation is a heavily modified tachi blade and sheath, as well as being renamed. Measuring 27 inches in length, the electric crimson-colored blade itself is relatively unmodified, retaining the traditional signature on the base of the blade, with an additional symbol, translating to Reformed, etched crudely by Graham, as well as being repainted to his liking. The curve of the blade has been slightly straightened, though unnoticeable by an untrained eye. The two-handed grip of the blade, once adorned with gold tassels, has had the width reduced slightly and the tassels removed, replaced by a modern katana grip. It has also been modified to be left-handed. A slot for Dust canisters on the base of the handle has been added to the tachi.

Dust Functions: Graham only uses two types of Dust for Reformation, Electric and Ice dust. He keeps 3 canisters of each type with him at hand.

Electric (Lightning) Dust charges the blade with a electric current. The next strike releases the energy into the target. Can paralyse a limb for a tiny duration of time. When this type of dust is inserted into the blade, there is audible crackling and blue sparks fly from the blade.
Ice (Freeze) Dust imbues the blade with a light blue color. The next strike causes any target it comes in contact with to freeze over. Can freeze an entire limb, though the ice is not thick.

Sheath: The once ornate sheath has had many more modifications compared to the tachi. The black curved leather casing with red metal streaks and the original shape remain with the width being thickened, but the first 1/3rd section of the sheath has been removed near the mouth, replaced with a rifle-esque receiver. This device is powered by Kinetic Dust cartridges, with a 5-cartridge clip on the bottom, the modified section looking like a rifle loading chamber. There is also a ridged hand grip and a trigger complete with trigger guard, to fire off the Dust charge. When the tachi is in the sheath and the trigger compressed, the dust charge triggers, blasting the tachi out of the sheath with considerable force. Near the end of the modified section is a indented section for a clamp, replacing the traditional ropes/hangers that allow the blade to be worn horizontally. The clamp is attached to a movable mechanical arm on a belt, allowing the sheath to be extended or retracted away from the waist. The tachi and the sheath hang on the clamp on Graham's right side of his waist, horizontally.

History: Once the old family heirloom, passed down to wielders in the Dylandy family that sought the mantle of a Hunter, Graham took the tachi and the sheath to a weapons modification store, where he requested for the blade to be customised to his preference, disregarding the blade's history in favor of his own ideals. The result was a mechanised version of the old blade, retaining the tachi's characteristics while simultaneously bolstering the power of the swings.

Name: Trinity

Primary Form: Trinity is a tanto blade that can fold up similar to a butterfly knife. When not in use/sheathed, the blade of the tanto telescopes so it fits the length of the handle. The handle then splits in two, like a butterfly knife, and folds around the blade, concealing it. The full length of the tanto automatically springs out when the two sections of the handle come together and exposes the compressed blade. Trinity is 12 inches long when unfolded, only 4 inches when folded, and Graham normally hides the blade in a pocket instead of displaying it, compared to his tachi.

History: Trinity was one of Graham's steps to proving that technology does improve combat, redesigning a traditional weapon with new styles and technology. It proved to be a useful surprise weapon.
« Last Edit: June 23, 2017, 02:04:41 AM by MonsterManic »
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Kingnoname1

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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2017, 05:08:41 AM »
Most of the points I have is just little details are kind of missing, at least in this WiP.

1).'even going so far as to modify the old family heirloom, the tachi, which is considered to be mutilating the sword.' Considered by who? Probably the family and more detail might be coming with the history section but 'mutilated is a strong word so it might be worth repeating.

2). 'magazine-reading, the latter only because he is constantly searching for ways to prove his father wrong.' So how is this proving his father wrong? Again I'm sure it would come clear in the history but people might only read certain sections when the start to rp with you so it's worth having them self-enclosed.

The other thing is that I'd try to think of more weaknesses than 'isn't good at all styles of fighting'

But yea I like him.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2017, 10:39:04 AM »
King is in full control as always, I'm just here to nitpick :P (As in make sure the approval mods cant complain about minor things).

You need to include a date of birth under age using the RWBY calendar

Would also like to see something about how he does academically under personality.

Looking good.

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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2017, 10:59:12 AM »
I've been having a chat with Xarias on Discord, and he mentioned that the semblance might be denied. I personally can't see why, and I would like some opinions on why/how it might be broken.
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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2017, 11:21:42 AM »
Hmmm. I mean I'd check with him in regards to his specific complaint as he knows more about this than me at least.

The only concern I had was that it might do too much by offering extra damage and perfect tracking, however that isn't the case as you specifically say the effect is lost if the target is out of view (I was picturing the DnD hunters mark). So in practice it lets him focus on one target and damage them a bit more, could prove useful against more advanced grim but probably useless against the smaller ones.

Has several ways to be interrupt and it and can't be spammed so there are weaknesses, even has potential for improvements over time should he ever end up in a higher year which i really like.

Seems fine to me honestly, but again I'm hardly an approval moderator. Have you made changes since Xar said that?

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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2017, 11:34:54 AM »
No, I haven't. Xar's concern was that it was too much damage boost, I believe.
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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2017, 04:46:47 PM »
Well a lot of fighting on this site is 1v1 so it is a very powerful semblance. And it's powerful in a way which is automatically applied, meaning that you don't need to think about how to properly apply your semblance because it's basically passive. You have provided ways to counter it so I don't think it's too strong but it's pretty much a more controlled bezerker/steroid semblance as in it just gives you big numbers.   
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2017, 05:25:44 PM »
What if I mixed in a bit of RNG into the equation? For each strike, there is a 1/5 chance Graham's strike does 1/3rd extra damage instead of the current permanent 1/4 extra. The targeting concept and the drawbacks stay the same, as well as the red glow, just the damage calc is changed. I'd use a RNG generator online to do the chance calcs, and post if the strike is boosted.
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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2017, 07:44:44 PM »
Talking it over with a mate of mine I've come to the conclusion that the only real issue I have with the semblance is there is no active action which your character can take to take advantage or another to avoid it, other than just not ever getting hit.

So some level of certainty would make it more engaging, like every three hits one is empowered. Or maybe you get a buff which is still random but Graham knows what it is, like he gets faster or stronger or whatever.

I'm not very good at the whole semblance balancing thing so if you like it you should still go forward with it.
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Re: Graham Dylandy
« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2017, 04:10:00 PM »
To ensure this is by far my best char profile, I'm going to request something out of the ordinary.

I would like only criticism on this character. Doesn't matter how harsh, what form it comes in, just whatever you can hit me with. I promise I won't get offended. Just please, make it at least a little bit constructive.

(Unless Vox does one of his mass murder reviews.)
« Last Edit: June 22, 2017, 04:31:24 PM by MonsterManic »
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Re: Graham Dylandy (Criticism only)
« Reply #10 on: June 22, 2017, 06:45:02 PM »
I will try to put on the jaded cynical mod hat, first off need to go to reddit and read about all the dead cats and antivaxxers until i hate life. Brb. On a serious note as I've said before that I quite like the way this character looks, but I'll comment on anything that I personally am not a fan of (However the majority of these are nitpicks, or just differences in taste).

Symbol Weapon:
For instance as someone who basically doesn't watch anime I find katanas to be incredibly overused (in actually there are only 11 characters out of 265). In fact i'm immediately dropping the hate life cynicism and say that I really like the use of the sheath as a weapon, I love it when profiles are a bit thought out like that (also images for weapons is a plus)

However I personally don't like the 改 symbol as I don't think we have seen any languages in remnant that use such characters (I could be wrong) and even so It shouldn't be in Japanese since there is no Japan (F.eks would that be an older Mistral language instead?).

A butterfly tanto is a cool idea, whilst I struggle with picturing the scale thats totally plausible with rwby tech.

Appearance:
5'11 is a great choice for height, and I'm totally not saying that just because its a hole in my height graphs and this will at least help even it out.
Saying that he "steer clear from similar styles that his family wears" has little meaning if we aren't told what they do wear. (f.eks whilst of a family of wealth that flaunted it in the X and Y they wore, Graham stood a bit out. That's not to say his status wasn't clear from the quality of clothes but his choices of A and B differed him from the others). Terrible example (I'm off to bed soon) but hopefully you get my point.
Have to agree the mask is edgy but the explanation of when used is there so not really an issue.

History:
" He, however, had zero experience with forging his own weapon. He did however shy away from "
The repeated he - however in those two sentences just really rub me the wrong way.
This sword is the families most prized possession but they haven't noticed the changes made to it? actually he's just got that done before heading to beacon, seems believable

Personality:
Jay for people who do poorly academically (That really wasn't mean sarcastically, so many people do well and few do poorly)
Not something that you would write here but put some active thought into how he speaks. Contractions, long/short sentences, polite, informal etc.

Semblance:
Ooh he takes extra damage as well interesting idea for balance, I like it. I'll leave the proper balance to someone else.

Combat behaviour:
iaijutsu and iaido means nothing to me but I may just be the odd one out. (You explain it a bit more in the last part, but in the first its just a big questionmark for me).
Pretty sure swords would fall under melee training so maybe go for hand to hand or something (again I could be totally wrong, in my mind its Melee and ranged, applies to all close fighting stuff).

Thats all that stood out to me, however as I keep emphasising I'm still rather new to this whole thing so feel free and probably justified to ignore stuff. Hopefully some of this was useful and that you'll also get some other people to give their critical reviews glances.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2017, 06:49:42 PM by Vision »

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