CHARACTER

Name: Daniella "Dan" de Lion

Age: 30th Huā

Species and Gender: Female Human

Symbol:  Sample Text

Occupation: 7th year Huntress-in-training at Atlas Academy, Team IDOL/Singer

Appearance: Daniella is a handsome young woman standing at 6'0 tall. Possessed of sharp features with golden hair pulled into a short ponytail, and bangs that frame her matching eyes, she could be mistaken for a suave, pretty man if not for her melodious voice. she commonly wears a white double breasted pea-coat over a white button up shirt and golden yellow tie. The left arm of her coat is embroidered with a golden vine & dandelion pattern. To complement the jacket, she wears matching white trousers and brogues.

When required, she wears a male uniform.

History: Sample Text

Personality: Daniella is a woman that's hard to pin down, seeming cool and reserved at first, she can just as easily be seen jokingly flirting with students around campus. These twin facades conceal a woman who is deeply insecure about her career choice and appearance, she struggles with truly opening up to people, only really feeling close with her teammates and deceased grandmother.

Aura and Semblance: Daniella's Aura is yellow.

Her semblance, Glitterdust allows her to generate glowing dandelion spores that explode with a blinding light upon contact with something, or on command. She can create and maintain five spores at a time, but can't create individual spores to replace detonated ones, needing to detonate all five to create more. While Daniela can create spores anywhere within a 1 meter radius, she can't move them naturally, and needs to rely on outside force to do so.

Combat Behavior:  Daniella prefers to fight at mid-range, using gusts of wind and her semblance to keep her enemies at bay. When in a melee fight, she's most comfortable using the sword form of Canción in combination with Melodia, but will use the spear form if it will provide a tactical advantage. Canción's primary weakness is that if an enemy can get past its point, it has no actual blade to speak of, meaning extremely close range fighters can cause Daniella problems.

Due to the nature of her semblance, she can't use that at close range without harming herself, and she has to make sure not to catch any allies in its radius as well. In addition, any enemy that doesn't rely on sight will be immune to the worst effects, but this rarely comes up.

Daniella is deeply in love with her teammate, Lazul Fen, and is prone to acting impulsively when he's in danger, she is liable to abandon mission objectives and charge into melee combat, which isn't her preferred distance, in an attempt to protect him.

WEAPON

Name: Canción

Primary Form: Canción is an unusual sword like weapon, somewhat resembling a rapier in form and function. Featuring a gilded swept hilt, the pommel has been replaced with a 55 Vintage-series microphone, similarly gilded. The "blade" is blunt and rounded, more like a metal shaft, and is engraved with vine patterns. It terminates in a large, sharp triangular point, resembling a spear or arrowhead. The vine engravings also coalesce, leading towards a dandelion on the center of the point. This design is mirrored on the other side of the weapon.

Secondary Form: By pushing a slide switch located just above the hilt up, Canción's round "blade" will extend, allowing it to be used as a spear. In this form, the sword's hilt can also serve as a cudgel.

Tertiary Form: By pushing the slide switch down, Canción's "blade" will collapse, allowing for easier transportation.

Dust Functions: Canción functions as a wireless microphone through electricity Dust batteries, which are inserted into a flap on the hilt.

History: Canción was constructed during her first year at Atlas to give Daniella a melee combat option, then later modified to include the microphone by her teammate Lazul Fen.


WEAPON

Name: Melodía
Primary Form: Melodia is a crimson coloured matador's cape, that has had large amounts of wind Dust woven into it, allowing her to manipulate wind in various ways through motions of the cape and the intensity of the Aura she cycles through it.

Combined Form: When Melodia is tied to the top of Canción's shaft in its spear form, its wind can be projected from greater ranger, and can even improve the blade's sharpness.

Dust Functions: Through manipulation of Aura, Melodia can be used to generate wind currents of weak to middling intensity, and they can also be focused into medium ranged severing gales, giving Daniella a ranged weapon.

History: Melodia was originally a cape owned by Daniella's grandmother, who she adored. Upon deciding to be a huntress, she decided to convert the cape into a Dust focus.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/11_Sq8X_DFXR91O8ZRUK5nnVYOMFTHRm6z6-4r8ZK7-0/edit?usp=sharing

Here you go. This one actually works.

Added artwork of Gavin, in a spoiler under Appearance.

Added minor details regarding the operation of his Semblance in a spoiler under Aura and Semblance.

Alright, big critique, "critiquing the hell out of this" so to speak, even. I might seem harsh but I really don't mean to be, just not great at sounding gentle!

Name: Alright, first off. I understand it's thematic, but why would Lunacy's parents, who are supposedly very caring in this version of the backstory name her "Lunacy", a word for madness. I think it'd make more sense if "Lunacy" was a derogatory nickname the Red winter came up with for her, especially as she broke down from their torture.

The section about "El" is a complete non-sequitur, if you're referring to a character you're gonna make later, add it in later, if that's what you want anyone Luna dates to call her, let people make their own characters decisions.

Age: Yep.

Species: Also yep.

Symbol: You should probably crop the outside section if only the center bit is her symbol. Also, who is Fen?

Occupation: Yep, no problems here

Appearance: Mostly fine, she's tall and thin and I can definitely see how that's kind of intimidating, her outfit's cool. She's ashamed of not having a tail, but most Faunus only inherit one animal trait, and the most allowed is two, so feeling like she's "missing" a part is a pretty weird hangup seeing as it applies to more or less every Faunus, but she's also kind of an odd character, so maybe that's the intent.

Instead of an impractical, likely not commercially available choker, she could just wear earbuds instead, even if her wolf ears do replace her human ones (which has never been seen).

History: Okay, first off, Windpath is one word, not two. This is a pretty consistent error I've noticed, so you'll want to get that fixed.

Okay, this is fine for a bit, but when Tamra takes in Luna, my question is.. why? You mention Luna is the only Faunus, at 13 her Aura presumably isn't unlocked so Tamra has to teach her about it, and how to use her semblance. You also mention Luna is the only Faunus in the Red Winter, and Luna has no really combat advantageous traits like Tukson's claws, so why does Tamra feel a kinship for her? I don't think "She's too soft to kill a kid" really holds up when she's willing to personally murder that kid's parents in front of her, and while I'd definitely buy Lima syndrome over time, she'd need some initially ulterior motive to take the child in instead of killing her or leaving her for dead at first, which she doesn't have right now.

Regardless, Luna's Stockholm Syndrome feels believable enough, so that's all good.

Fed up with Tamra's focus on Luna, and feeling that their leader had grown soft, the other members of Red Winter began to conspire against her. In the week following Luna's tenth birthday, the Red Winter turned on their leader.

I'm assuming you mean after her 16th, there.

So the Red Winter do away with Tamra by tipping the authorities off to her job, and then she's... publicly executed? This is really unnecessary, Remnant is like modern society, not the middle ages, the law enforcement aren't gonna publicly murder people. Remember that the most militaristic nation, Atlas *arrested* Roman Torchwick instead of killing him back in V2/V3, if you want Tamra dead, this isn't the way to go about it.

But I honestly feel even life imprisonment would be a big enough blow to fracture Luna's mind in conjunction with the Red Winter's abuse, she's still being denied her only chance at a normal life because of them (again), then being horrifically abused by them for months.

Everything after this is good! Using her Semblance for more than fighting is nice, I like it.

Personality: This is way better than the earlier drafts I saw, The fact that she *does* have the capability to trust people, takes it away from edgy and into sympathetic, good job.

Atlas still haven't had any particular restrictions on creativity for the last century or more, the only thing she may take issue with is the fact that huntsmen in training at Atlas Academy are encouraged, but not required to join the Atlas military as Specialists.

Aura and Semblance: Not really good at balancing these, but it doesn't seem bad per se, but it could hurt her teammates if used poorly.

Combat Behaviour: Clear weaknesses, Clear strengths, I like this. The mods might have something to say about her top speeds, but I'm not them and Rule of Cool is important so I'll leave it be. Teachers might be leery of placing her in a team with her mental instability, maybe consider how much it effects her in combat and whether she'd actually succeed as a huntress the way it is now.

Weapon: Okay, so. I know in the original drafts of Luna, she was the one who designed the Point-Breaker, and the description refers to aspects of the weapon working to increase the effectiveness of her semblance, but this doesn't really make sense if it's formerly Tamra's weapon that's been handed down to her, unless Luna modified it during her time in Mistral?

Other than that, I don't have much to say on balance, so I'll leave that to the mods.

Overall, there's a lot of promise here, but I definitely think this needs some refinement before its really ready to go to approval, just keep it up and Luna'll be a really good character, I'm sure.
 





 

Added some minor descriptive changes to Gavin and Galatine's appearances, added an image for Gavin's emblem, with a minor description change to match.

Big ups to Riven for creating the initial image I used to make Gavin's emblem, You da man!

If you were a type of soup, what type of soup would you be?

"I don't know why, but my first instinct is to say Corn Chowder! It's warm and comforting, while also being sweet and invigorating, at the least, I'd like to be those things, myself!"

Milk. It's a soup, fight me. Also people probably shouldn't drink it, but do anyway, similarly, prolonged exposure to me is *probably* detrimental to your mental health. Because I'm so cute.

What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue?

"I bet it'd be really cool to learn to draw, I could make comics based on my adventures when I become a full fledged huntsman, but I've already got my hands full with school as it is. Ooh, or I could go on TV, like Pearl Hawthorne does, It's really inspiring seeing such a high profile huntress take the time to try and help people by doing something other than killing Grimm! Maybe I could get a talk show or something, that'd be cool.."

I'd really love to get into tabletop wargaming, Warhammer 40k in particular. I even have a favourite Space Marine chapter (The Lamenters), but it's just so expensive, and I don't have the skill or patience to paint all those tiny figures.

Sunlight is Gavin's strength, but does he convert it directly into energy or somehow indirectly? I suppose what I'm really asking is... is he immune to sunburn? 

I'm gonna take first crack at answering this question, Sol works on explicitly sunlight, instead of just UV light or rays, so no getting stronger at rave parties for young Gavin. It even works through windows, to an extent, though definitely with a reduced effect. I guess if you shone a UV light at him hard enough, he'd get sunburn eventually, but not from the sun itself? Though if he was Auraless for a prolonged period of time, Sol wouldn't take effect and he would react to the sun like any normal person would, so I guess the answer is technically, no he isn't immune to sunburns!


"I've never remembered getting a sunburn, so I probably am? Though, I do feel like I should get some sunglasses sometimes, bright light still hurts my eyes like anyone else. I just haven't found any that suit me yet.."

Oop, good idea, done that now, thanks!

Hi! Sorry it took so long, but I've made some edits as you've requested. The dust has been changed, like you asked, and I've adjusted the power level of Gavin's semblance somewhat, now using attacks that strong are significantly riskier for him.

I've added some more details about his time at Signal too.

Galatine's flamethrower and jet modes do pretty much run on rule of cool, as otherwise it'd be impossible to sheath and unsheathe the weapon when the flame mode is active.