Author Topic: Momo Matsumoto (ready for approval)  (Read 5929 times)

Zenzefer45

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Momo Matsumoto (ready for approval)
« on: August 07, 2017, 10:11:21 PM »
CHARACTER

Name: Momo Hiei Matsumoto

Age: 18. Born Arashi 15th, 62AC

Species and Gender: Human Female

Symbol:  An orange peach

Occupation: Huntress-in-Training at Beacon 1st year student

Appearance: Momo Matsumoto is a girl who stands at a stoic 5'10'' tall. She has shoulder length black hair and black eyes on a face of Asian complexion. She wears a pair of semi-rimless glasses, which are a steel grey color. Momo requires her glasses to see. Otherwise, she struggles to see even close objects. Therefore, she rarely ever takes them off. Momo wears a pair of black flats, and Momo's breasts are around the 36D range.

School outfit: Momo wears her school uniform with pride. However, she has made some adjustments to it to fit her liking. She has shortened the skirt so that it only goes down with 4'' between the end and her knee, and her socks only come up to about 6'' before her knee

Casual Wear: Momo is normally seen wearing a white blouse with green lining on her collar and sleeves, a green pleated skirt the same length as her modified school skirt, and a pair of black flats. Momo wears this outfit every day with the exception of school, and washes it before she goes to bed. If forced to fight in this outfit, while she opposes to it strongly, but may be able to do it.

Battle Outfit. Momo's battle outfit is an orange blouse with an orange knife pleated skirt and geta sandals. Momo is fully capable of fighting in such an outfit and has since her first years of training, and continues to fight in it.

History: Momo Hiei Matsumoto was born to her parents, Eiji Isoroku Matsumoto and Haruna Kirishima Matsumoto. Momo's family was a middle class family and enjoyed the benefits of wise spending and good banking, as well as Eiji's occupation. Eiji was a professor at a small school in Mistral, after being a former military officer. However, when Atlas started to produce more and more weapons and drones, Eiji, concerned about what this mass increase in military strength could mean for world affairs, would not see his little girl caught in the grips of war, so Eiji saw it as an opportunity to help enroll 17 year old Momo at Beacon. While Eiji had to use himself as a person of reference for Momo's letter, her application was accepted, and Eiji moved 36 year old Haruna and 17 year old Momo to the Kingdom of Vale.


Having received light self defense training from her father at the tender age of eight, at thirteen, Momo began to take martial arts more seriously, pursuing combat in hopes of a career in tournament fighting. Through rigorous training, Momo grew proficient in the arts of Jujitsu, Kung-Fu, and even Jeet-Kune-Do. At this point in Momo's life, she had done this simply for the approval of her family, with little regard for her own desires. Her drive to give the Matsumoto name the boost she thought it deserved drove her further on in her quest to succeed in the arena. While Momo was far from the perfect combatant, lacking in physical strength and with an average win/loss record for her weight class, her ability to shift combat styles on the fly and her expertise in technique made her opponents understand how worthy an adversary she was. Both her parents were extremely proud of her and boasted about her in school meetings.

Momo decided she wished to become a huntress when she was saved by a hunter from Grimm. This inspired her to become a huntress to help her better defend herself from those who are larger and better calculated than herself. Momo was attacked by an Ursa while she was walking through the forest looking for something to draw. The Ursa had popped out of the foliage and knocked her out. Momo had been knocked out from the swat of the Ursa’s paw. The Ursa had believed she was dead, However, a hunter in the area fended off the Ursa and carried Momo back to the safety of the city, where she received bandages and protection from bleeding out, and had her aura unlocked by the hunter. Momo barely remembers the encounter with the Ursa, and doesn't know how she made it out of the forest. She remembers the petrifying roar and the brutal swat, and nothing else. 

On her 18th birthday, Momo received a present that her parents and grandparents forged in the family forge. Momo received twin swords, one red and one orange, in which she called Dawn and Dusk. The red sword is Dawn and the orange sword is Dusk. Momo has only trained and experimented with these weapons, leaving her to control their power on her own. Although Eiji was very well versed in swordsmanship, even he can only help Momo with basic and advanced combat, as the power inside the swords is too powerful for him, and therefore believes himself to be unworthy of wielding the weapons. Eiji and Haruna have said that the swords were made with the ancient technique and materials of the Matsumoto ancestors, and therefore the true wielder of these weapons is that who rightfully bears the name, and can use their power.

Personality: t. Her antisocial tendencies have also made conversing with her peers difficult, and as a result, she doesn't like to talk casually with other people, as it makes her nervous and she never really knows what to say. In times where she feels depressed or exhausted, her parents are there to keep her happy and loved.

Said antisocial tendencies are derived from difficulties with her peers when growing up. Due to her poor vision, she had to wear glasses at an early age. That, as well as not being very pretty as a child, wound up as points of ridicule and mockery by her peers. These insults were thrown well into her teenage years, if only so her peers could relish in her fiery outbursts of rage and frustration. They knew she was strong, and they knew she was a capable combatant. But they also knew that if she did so much as lay a finger on their chest, she would be punished heavily for “attacking another student”. So she was forced to put up with this torment, forced to listen to their snide comments and their mockery.

Part of her difficulty interacting with her peers is fear that this may once again take place, though despite this, she yearns for companionship. With any luck, there will be someone to treat her kindly in her new home of Vale.

Aura and Semblance:  Momo's Aura glows orange. Her aura allows her to heal and block unexpected attacks from other beings, by throwing up and orange peach shield. This shield protects Momo entirely from up to 10 heavy or unexpected attacks. Upon depletion, the shield can only be recovered after a long period of non-rigorous activity, such as sleeping, simple walking, or even eating.

Aura and Semblance: Momo's Aura glows orange. Her aura allows her to heal and block unexpected attacks from other beings, by throwing up and orange peach shield. This shield protects Momo entirely from up to 10 heavy or unexpected attacks. Upon depletion, the shield can only be recovered after a long period of non-rigorous activity, such as sleeping, simple walking, or even eating.

Combat Behavior:   Momo is an aggressive fighter, she likes to take charge of the group and be the first one into combat. However, this means that if she needs help, she must rely on the speed of others to help her in danger, otherwise, she might suffer injury. Momo is agile, and a little lighter than the average girl, which means she strikes with less force than others. daze and confuse her enemies, softening the kill for her allies. This could also mean that a ranged fighter can cause severe damage to her before she can see the opponent.

WEAPON

Name: Dawn and Dusk

Primary Form: win swords. Dawn is red, and Dusk is Orange, about 3' in length from the tip of the blade to the base of the grip. The grips, black in color, are about 5'' They are double edged twin shortswords

Secondary Form: upon the pressing of a button on the bottom of the grip, Dawn and Dusk turn into twin rifles, which fire colored rounds corresponding to their blade colors

Tertiary Form: N/A

Dust Functions:  By inserting red dust into the weapons and firing them at the same time, Dawn and Dusk will fire explosive bullets destroying light and medium skinned opponents. Skinned Being used loosely for armored, scaled, and fleshed foes.

History: Dawn was made by the hands of Eiji Matsumoto and Oda Matsumoto with Dusk created by Haruna Matsumoto and Rin Matsumoto for Momo's 18th birthday, in which are wielded by the 18 year old today. It is said by her parents that these blades are inscribed with the markings of the Matsumoto name for the past 150 years.

« Last Edit: September 29, 2017, 02:59:32 PM by Zenzefer45 »

Kingnoname1

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Re: Momo Matsumoto
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2017, 01:07:43 AM »
Name -Appearance seems fine.

History is a bit short and has a few issues aside. Atlas mobilising it's armies isn't going to be allowed, it simply creates too much of a disturbance for other particularly Atlas characters. Maybe instead there is simply increased military presence in response to increased Grimm attacks which makes them feel unsafe. Also the fathers decisions don't make much sense to me because if part of the reason why he is neutral is because he wants to be close to his family then why does he send them away?

Personality is again a bit short and doesn't really make sense. You say that Momo  is a quiet girl but she is also quick to anger and shouts a lot? Maybe socially awkward would fit better?

Aura is fine if the orange peach shield is the semblance rather than a subsection of the aura. Again assuming the orange peach shield is the semblance like before so putting some general numbers with how much the shield can ... well shield.

Combat behaviour again could use a bit more detail and in particular weaknesses in Mono's fighting style.

Lastly your weapon history says 'It is said by many that the wielders of these blades will carry the weight of her family's honor.' That doesn't really make much sense considering the weapons aren't even a year old.



I will attempt to remain as patient with you as I can but be aware you have created a very bad reputation for yourself. I'm sure this can be overcome but it will have to be something you work on by showing serious improvement. Honestly posting the original rather than one which had already taken in the criticisms we gave before might not have been a very good idea.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Vision

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Re: Momo Matsumoto
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2017, 01:35:27 AM »
    Welcome back, I'll give it a look over. (EDIT: Agh King beat me to it this time, so close. Well now you have loads of feedback :P)

    You're missing the formatting of bold and underlined for each section, probably easiest to just copy paste each part into a new copy of the template.
Spoiler: ShowHide

Template. Copy and paste it into your profile to begin.

[/list]
Code: [Select]
[size=18px][u][b]CHARACTER[/b][/u][/size]

[b][u]Name:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Age:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Species and Gender:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Symbol:[/u][/b]  Sample Text

[b][u]Occupation:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Appearance:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]History:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Personality:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Aura and Semblance:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Combat Behavior:[/u][/b]  Sample Text

[size=18px][u][b]WEAPON[/b][/u][/size]

[b][u]Name:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Primary Form:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Secondary Form:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Tertiary Form:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]Dust Functions:[/u][/b] Sample Text

[b][u]History:[/u][/b] Sample Text


In regards to the history I'm not sure why Atlas would be mobilising for war? As the world is in a time of peace. The history you've written so far is also very short, would be nice to see more about her upbringing. What caused her to want to become a huntress? how did she train pre beacon? If she got the swords for her 17th birthday what did she use before then? That sorta thing, just adding more detail to her backstory.

Her personality is a bit edgy, doesn't talk much, gets angry easily, trouble making friends. Nothing stopping you from having that mind you, but it can make things more difficult for you once you start role playing.

"Picture bride system" where did this come from? Definitely needs to be written about in the history.

Same goes for the hunter that unlocked her aura? Would like to see some more detail about what happened there? (Could also do with being rewritten as right now it can be read as she saved him from a grimm and not the other way around)

All auras heal wounds so that's not really an important point, but would like to see more detail about the semblance. A good place to start is to consider how she typically uses it.

For her weapons the colour of the dust implies its function, so red and orange would be something like fire and lava. "Wielders of these blades will carry the weight of her family's honor" This part is a bit confusing as the blades were just recently forged, or is it meant to be more general in regards to family forged weapons or such? (Needs to be expanded opon regardless)

In regards to our patience as long as you show that you will respond to the comments people have here then I'm sure the nasty admins will stay away. When updating you need to A) Implement what has been said or B) Say that you disagree and provide an explanation. In either case you need to tell us what parts you have modified, not just say "Updated" as we don't have time to reread everything every time.

Really hope this helps and with a bit of work I think we can get a proper character written here ^^ Best of luck!
« Last Edit: August 08, 2017, 01:42:34 AM by Vision »

Diana Levone - Beacon First year - Leader and Medic of team Digital (DGTL)
[color= #839CA5]""[/ color]
Bastet Nin - Haven First year - Blinking Glaive Skirmisher of team Rewind (RWND)
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Zenzefer45

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Re: Momo Matsumoto
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2017, 12:21:28 AM »
Hi all, thx for your feedback, im still working out the kinks, but i wanted to make a message to show my activity is still existant

Zenzefer45

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Re: Momo Matsumoto
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2017, 09:41:52 PM »
Ok, i think i have done a fair amount of tinkering to get this a little more right. It is not finished, but would like a moderator to give me feedback
« Last Edit: August 23, 2017, 06:49:43 PM by Zenzefer45 »

Kingnoname1

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Re: Momo Matsumoto
« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2017, 08:59:36 PM »
The only thing I can see which needs to be done is the formatting which vision mentioned above, bolding and underlining sections headings. Other than that this is much better than what you started with, well done.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Zenzefer45

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Re: Momo Matsumoto
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2017, 12:33:57 AM »
The only thing I can see which needs to be done is the formatting which vision mentioned above, bolding and underlining sections headings. Other than that this is much better than what you started with, well done.

Thank you very much King. I have updated accordingly and hope for other Mods to comment so you may be rid of me. ;)
« Last Edit: August 27, 2017, 09:43:19 PM by Zenzefer45 »

Zenzefer45

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Re: Momo Matsumoto
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2017, 12:13:39 AM »
My character is ready for review

Kingnoname1

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Re: Momo Matsumoto
« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2017, 01:26:59 AM »
Create a new thread in Character Creation proper with the character and I'm sure the mods will get to it as soon as possible.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Zenzefer45

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Re: Momo Matsumoto (ready for approval)
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2017, 03:26:58 PM »
ready for moderator approval ;D ;D ;D ;D

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Re: Momo Matsumoto (ready for approval)
« Reply #10 on: October 02, 2017, 03:54:17 PM »
If you deem it ready, move it to the Character Creation board (copy the entire article over).

I have to praise you on your determination: even after numerous denials you have kept at it and improved your profile over and over. Keep it up and we'll see this OC of yours safely in the Approved section  :D
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Zenzefer45

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Re: Momo Matsumoto (ready for approval)
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2017, 01:42:37 AM »
its there, ima waiting on you guys. no big rush ;)

Zenzefer45

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Re: Momo Matsumoto (ready for approval)
« Reply #12 on: October 08, 2017, 11:48:30 PM »
did i post in the wrong spot?

Kingnoname1

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Re: Momo Matsumoto (ready for approval)
« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2017, 01:19:56 AM »
No we will get to it don't worry.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Momo Matsumoto (ready for approval)
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2017, 01:57:53 AM »
ok thx, srry bout the annoyance ;D ;D