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WiP Characters / Re: Momo Matsumoto
« on: February 26, 2017, 04:03:20 PM »
Hello! I'm typically a Worldbuilding moderator, but making my first strides into the Character section forum by offering some assistance Work-in-Progress characters!
Welcome to our community here, first off; we hope you've gotten your feet wet enough with our rules, and noticed that you've taken the first steps into becoming a major part of our stories here by posting in the Work-in-Progress section first. Excellent! Our community in this section so far has created a great trail for you to follow, and looks like you've taken time to make the appropriate edits, so you're well off on the right foot so far. A couple of more changes can help you get a leg up here and put into Character Creation proper:
1) The Appearance section could use some touch ups; it leaves a lot of detail lacking in some areas, and some very specific details in other sections. Tiptoeing around the lack of details in her school uniform, but then providing a substantial detail in her casual wear, and then only a short sentence for her battle attire doesn't help much in your case here. I would match the pace created here and keep it fluid throughout; if you're expressive in casual attire, get the anatomy, school, and battle attire in step as well.
2) Your history is a step in the right direction when it comes to detail. It's evident this was probably the easiest or your favorite section just because of the substance provided here, but I have to toe the line at fourth paragraph-- that is probably better suited for the appearance section. Also, this is history. While I commend you for getting a leg up here and providing detail, it leaves very few footprints in providing any kind of past. What kind of upbringing did she have before 17? What more can you provide of her family? The estate? It sets a good backdrop, but lacks the sole details that give a character a dimension. This one comes off a bit flat-footed once it gets started, and only has some nods toward her past, but doesn't detail enough to really warrant an arching story that is looking to continue forward.
3) The personality feels like you have your feet in two different pools of thought, and gets contradictory with the history. As a reader, I don't understand the connection between her history of crying alone after school and the arranged marriage to the firey, heavy-heeled temper. It almost feels like a strong pivot from the character intended to be created.
4) Sorta going to tie everything up together here in one summary-- the last parts of the profile look incomplete. Nothing wrong with that since it is the Work in Progress section, but I do feel like you went head over heels for the first areas, then stepped aside for the last parts. Detail the Semblance a little more, give us some more details in the Combat Behavior area by arching things with History and Personality, then follow through on the next step into your characters Weapon. Do the colored rounds provide any elemental attack? Make sure to keep that consistent, as listing 'N/A' for Dust Functions means you'll end up with your foot in your mouth over things like shooting fire or ice.
I hope these points can assist you in kicking this profile into shape, and get some solid ground for you to stand on here!
Welcome to our community here, first off; we hope you've gotten your feet wet enough with our rules, and noticed that you've taken the first steps into becoming a major part of our stories here by posting in the Work-in-Progress section first. Excellent! Our community in this section so far has created a great trail for you to follow, and looks like you've taken time to make the appropriate edits, so you're well off on the right foot so far. A couple of more changes can help you get a leg up here and put into Character Creation proper:
1) The Appearance section could use some touch ups; it leaves a lot of detail lacking in some areas, and some very specific details in other sections. Tiptoeing around the lack of details in her school uniform, but then providing a substantial detail in her casual wear, and then only a short sentence for her battle attire doesn't help much in your case here. I would match the pace created here and keep it fluid throughout; if you're expressive in casual attire, get the anatomy, school, and battle attire in step as well.
2) Your history is a step in the right direction when it comes to detail. It's evident this was probably the easiest or your favorite section just because of the substance provided here, but I have to toe the line at fourth paragraph-- that is probably better suited for the appearance section. Also, this is history. While I commend you for getting a leg up here and providing detail, it leaves very few footprints in providing any kind of past. What kind of upbringing did she have before 17? What more can you provide of her family? The estate? It sets a good backdrop, but lacks the sole details that give a character a dimension. This one comes off a bit flat-footed once it gets started, and only has some nods toward her past, but doesn't detail enough to really warrant an arching story that is looking to continue forward.
3) The personality feels like you have your feet in two different pools of thought, and gets contradictory with the history. As a reader, I don't understand the connection between her history of crying alone after school and the arranged marriage to the firey, heavy-heeled temper. It almost feels like a strong pivot from the character intended to be created.
4) Sorta going to tie everything up together here in one summary-- the last parts of the profile look incomplete. Nothing wrong with that since it is the Work in Progress section, but I do feel like you went head over heels for the first areas, then stepped aside for the last parts. Detail the Semblance a little more, give us some more details in the Combat Behavior area by arching things with History and Personality, then follow through on the next step into your characters Weapon. Do the colored rounds provide any elemental attack? Make sure to keep that consistent, as listing 'N/A' for Dust Functions means you'll end up with your foot in your mouth over things like shooting fire or ice.
I hope these points can assist you in kicking this profile into shape, and get some solid ground for you to stand on here!