Roight. I know this is, as is mentioned, an extreme WiP, so I'll suggest you post a message when you've read all the rule posts threads thingies and have also updated the profile accordingly. :)
Welcome to the board, I understand you are changing stuff but I'd like to say three things regardless.
1). With the expection of the schnees everyone's semblance does one thing; speed, clones, etc. So I'd limit it to one aspect of nature; weather or plants.
2). Try to think of some combat weaknesses for your character for the combat behaviour section. Not 'can't work in a team' but flaws in her personal style.
3). I normally dont mention grammar this early but you aren't using 'hence' correctly. It should be 'because,' currently you are saying Jasmines fear caused the death of her mother not the otherway round.
Lastly check out the approved characters board just so you can see what the mods are going to want from you.
Welcome to the board, I understand you are changing stuff but I'd like to say three things regardless.
1). With the expection of the schnees everyone's semblance does one thing; speed, clones, etc. So I'd limit it to one aspect of nature; weather or plants.
2). Try to think of some combat weaknesses for your character for the combat behaviour section. Not 'can't work in a team' but flaws in her personal style.
3). I normally dont mention grammar this early but you aren't using 'hence' correctly. It should be 'because,' currently you are saying Jasmines fear caused the death of her mother not the otherway round.
Lastly check out the approved characters board just so you can see what the mods are going to want from you.
First off welcome to the site Chaotic :D
It can be a bit work to get a character done but there are some really talented people here that will help out ^^. Until they get here I'll just give some quick comments on what I think is missing at the moment.
What year is she in?
Where does "Rouge" come from, is that a middle name or a nickname?
Would love an expansion on the appearance, two things are specifically missing (How short is she? How does she dress?) But you can also think about some other aspects, anything that can help others see your character the way you do (How does she hold herself (posture, mannerisms) how would you describe her speech? that sorta thing.)
The history is missing a bit (just to be clear that's totally okay in WiP :) just giving some tips for you to improve it). I would recommend expanding on what happened to her mother earlier as at the moment it's a bit unclear. How did the father react to her leaving? And why did the uncle and aunt think she should become a huntress?
Semblances are tricky to balance so I'll just leave that to someone else, the main concern here is that it may do too many different things.
In the combat behavior it's important to consider her weaknesses, this can often be as defining as her strengths.
More generally you use a lot of very short sentences, something I've been guilty of myself. However It may be worth trying to combine some of them to make the words flow better.
Hopefully this doesn't come off as too critical as you have a fine first draft. Give some thought to these pointers as well as the character guide, I'd also recommend having a look at some approved characters.
Again welcome to the site ^^.
EDIT: Your changes in response to King hadn't been done when I started so all comments are based on how it was before then.
So plans not working if the plan fails isn't really a weakness. That's just how plans work. Neither is 'if you are better than me at my strengths i lose' because again that goes without saying. Instead think about the logical opposites of her strengths. If she is graceful maybe she can't take to many hits, if she is fast maybe she isn't that strong ect ect
Prehaps working on her personality might help you get a better feel for the character. Does she have any hobbies? Likes/dislikes?(not dislike grimm or likes killing grimm or whatever. Normal people likes and dislikes like what kind of music does she like, favourite food, ect) How does she do academically? What kind of lies does she tell about her past? Views on Faunus? What is her current relationship with her father? Has he tried to make amends? What is her current relationship with her aunt and uncle? What is their training which they passed on to Jasmine?
Other than that, like Vision said, thinking about why she wants to become a huntress is important. It looks like she initially doesn't want to but her aunt and uncle convince her otherwise. Maybe going deeper into that conversation will help you get a better grasp of who Jasmine is as a person.
Jasmine "Rouge." Levesque
Name: Jasmine Levesque.
Age: Nineteen.
Species and Gender: Female Human.
Symbol: A Jasmine Flower.
Occupation: Student at Beacon Academy.
Affiliation: Beacon Academy.
Appearance: A small framed, short, (5,2,) skinny, girl, with big amber eyes, and purple pixie-cut hair, there's a couple of black streaks along with her hair. She has a clear complexion, and freckles. She also doesn't wear any makeup of any sort, she doesn't believe in it, and believes that it hides your true self.
Clothing Style: The Necklace her mother gave her. Along with two purple earrings. A pair of black, nerdy, square-framed glasses, a purple and black hoodie, with a white dove, interlocked with a Jasmine flower, the flower wrapping itself around the dove. Along with this she wears a black medium-length skirt. And lacey stockings. Along with a pair of combat boots. (This is subject to change.)
History: Having tragedy strike at a young age. Jasmine Levesque was forced to be raised without a mother, and a abusive father. On days where she remembers the attack on her once peaceful, self-dependent village, comes the thought of a day clouded with confusion and rage. From what Jasmine can remember, a large amount of Grimm attacked her village, and killed her mother, she may not remember a lot of the attack itself, but she remembers seeing her mother die in front of her, to a large, disturbing, abnormal Grimm. Throughout the years of her childhood. Jasmine had a bunch of scuffles and arguments with her father, usually ending up with bruises. Eventually, her aunt and uncle decided that it would be wise to take Jasmine away from her father. Her father, of course, tried to convince her aunt and uncle that he wasn't what they took him to be, but they didn't believe him for a second, they knew that Jasmine wouldn't lie about his distasteful actions, and he was angry when she left, spending his days drinking more than he used to. Her aunt, and uncle. Had three special items given to them, from Jasmine's mother. Before her death. She told them that one day, Jasmine would need these items, to become what she was always destined to be. One of them was a Jasmine Flower. Another one of the items was a specialized metal briefcase. And lastly, the final item was a silver necklace, with a pendant, the shape of a Jasmine flower. Her aunt and uncle didn't give them to her, until they believed it was time she was of age. At thirteen, Jasmine's life changed. She was going to become a huntress. Or so her aunt and uncle believed. At times Jasmine complained about being a huntress, and became stressed out during the first months of training, but her uncle always reminded her of how her mother was once a huntress, and a damn good one at that, and that it would only be right to carry on her mother's cut-short legacy. Jasmine agreed to being a huntress, due to two main factors. One, being that the Grimm killed her mother, and Two, the fact that her mother's legacy as a legendary hunter was cut-short, and that she could bring it back, in spirit, and become a legendary hunter, herself. Her mother was simply known as Rouge, as a huntress. And so, her aunt and uncle thought it'd be only fitting, if, that, 'Rouge.' Was Jasmine's huntress nickname. As to carry on her mother's legacy. At first Jasmine thought the idea of being a huntress was scary. Because of that fateful day, when her mom died, in front of her very own eyes. But, Jasmine enjoyed the idea of getting revenge at the monsters she used to have nightmares about. Her aunt and uncle trained her, vigorously. Specifically in the art of swordsmanship, and marksmanship. They trained her to hone her reflexes, and steady her aim, taught her ways to parry, and dodge her opponents, constantly tested her speed, along with training in the code of honorable fighting, and engaging in duels, one of the main ways Jasmine trained, was through fencing. She also endured a vigorous workout regimen, some say it was a brutal way to train, but Jasmine never gave up on it. It may be unrealistic, for her age. But she was more than capable. She was a strong-willed, and determined kid. And this determination, and the six long years of training, got her accepted into Beacon Academy. The finest academy in Vale. Currently it's first year of Beacon. A short while after being accepted into Beacon, Jasmine got a letter from her father, seeking forgiveness for what he did to her, when she was younger. She threw the letter in a fireplace, and that's the last contact she's ever had with her father, and the last contact she'll ever want. (This has to be worked on. I know.)
Personality: She's mysterious, and cunning. Due to her mother's demise, Jasmine has always been shy, and she pushes people away, hence she's afraid of losing them. Her father's neglect and abuse didn't help that either. As she generally distrusts the people she meets. If she were to ever open up to someone, she'd be stoic, and sarcastic, but, she does have a happier side of her, most people just don't see it. She has poor social skills and prefers to work alone. (She'll have to get used to working with a team.) Jasmine lies a lot about her past, most of the lies she says, are about her mother and father. Usually saying her mom left her at a young age, and that her father was just as about okay, as anyone, not revealing his abusive side. She constantly attempts to dodge anything asked about her, that's personal. She doesn't open up to people quickly, and it takes a long time for her to trust people. She also carries herself in a way, that seems refined, and well-mannered, she doesn't slouch, she has a formal way of speaking, and she always delivers manners, even in a causal setting. It's something her aunt taught her. Even though she acts all well-mannered and refined, most people don't take her seriously cause of her high pitched voice.
Likes: Jasmine likes Rock music, Bass guitar, fighting Grimm, Beacon academy, training, sleeping, doing parkour, Faunus's in general, her mother, her aunt and uncle, and especially the things left to her by her mother. The necklace, the flower, and the briefcase.
Dislikes: Self sacrifice, she always believes there's a way to solve something, without going on a suicidal rampage, even if it means to save friends. She has a general dislike of people, not that she hates them, but she just doesn't trust easy. And distances herself to the best of her ability. She hates people who discriminate against Faunus's, and lastly, she dislikes her father.
Hates:: Grimm.
Hobbies: Sleeping, playing bass guitar, listening to music, being alone in a peaceful area, such as a park or meadow, training, reading and studying about the world of Remnant.
Aura and Semblance: Aura: Purple (This is a severe work in progress.) Jasmine can control basic aspects of the weather, but to such a extent. She can't do it all the time, and as long as she wants, as that would tire her out, immensely, and she cannot create heavy storms, earthquakes, and or tornadoes. But she can make fog, or rain. (I'm know creation is a risky topic, and so, as a nerf, she can't keep rain and or anything that she does, going for too long. And it fades away, when she can't continue doing it.)
Combat Behavior: Graceful, and athletic, she attempts to outwit, and outmaneuver her opponents, with speed, and quick reflexes. She also plans out each strike, and has backups if it fails. She always has a backup plan in case things go wrong. She fights like a duelist, quick strikes, but they aren't that strong, it usually takes a lot of hits to get her opponent down and out, her agility is useful for dodging attacks, but if she happened to be hit, she isn't that sturdy. And could be knocked out right away, her aura can help her with this, but her aura isn't that durable. A fatal flaw of her fighting style, is that she believes in fighting with honor. And would never cheat, even if someone fought in a dirty strategy. She would still attempt to fight them honestly. If someone surrendered to her, Jasmine would uphold it, but if that same person tricked her, and surprise attacked her, she'd definitely be defeated.
WEAPON
Name: 'Jasmineae.'
Primary Form: A black and white metal briefcase, with a Jasmine flower on the front, Inside is a series of springs, gears, and pulleys, allowing for customization, and transformation, to two weapon types. A special feature of the case itself, is that it can be used as a shield in case of incoming fire. The material used to make the case, is as strong as the material used to make the blade inside.
Secondary Form: Upon opening the briefcase, the gears inside weir up to create a specialized steel katana, with an engraving of her mothers name, on the blade. The katana, though once red, is now purple, stylized for Jasmine, it has a black leather sheath, although, not normally used, cause of the briefcase, can be used in the case of needing the blade to be at the ready.
Tertiary Form: Due to the specialized design of the blade, upon a small button being pushed along the bottom of the hilt, the blade would split in two, the blade being vertically in half, and a repeater crossbow would pop out of where the blades split, an ample way to surprise enemies and take them out accordingly.
Dust Functions: (I might add dust functions, to improve the crossbow, so it fires specialized bolts, instead of boring ol' crossbow bolts. I'm not entirely sure yet.)
Weapon History: The weapon itself was specially designed for Jasmine's mother, when during the prime of her years as a huntress. Levesque family trade secrets have been kept hidden. And the weapon's specialized design cannot be copied. Also due to the masterwork manufacturing on the weapon, in it's secondary form, the weapon's durability, is almost unbreakable. (I need help with the weapon.. It sounds too weak, and boring, to me.)
PS. It will be longer.
First off awesome improvements since last time, went to bed after posting my pointers last and haven't had a chance to look until now. Have some minor pointers now, though I'll still avoid commenting about the full story line or semblances as I don't have anywhere near enough experience on the matter.
In occupation you should just mention that she's in first year. Basically just to make it more obvious when giving the profile a cursory look.
The comment about the makeup in the appearance is a great addition as it describes her looks as well as an aspect of her personality.
Story:Dislike for self-sacrifice fits perfectly and could lead to some interesting discussions as a lot of young hunters probably value it highly, nicely done.
- The abusive father is far more believable the way you have it written now.
- Is the Jasmin flower they received a real flower that would die after a while or is it perceived/figure etc. (This may be fine the way it is now I just didn't get it)
- You might want to consider breaking the story section up into two or three paragraphs (again everything I say at this point is optional, just something to consider)
I don't have any issues with combat behavior or weapon, but that is very much up to your point of view. If you aren't happy with the weapon than what are some things that you can change?
Lastly just wanted to give an example of how you might be using too many commas and periods. More than anything else I've commented on here this will naturally be dependent on your writing style and you can certainly disagree, just have a look at the two spoiler boxes bellow.
Again really nice improvements made across the board.
First off awesome improvements since last time, went to bed after posting my pointers last and haven't had a chance to look until now. Have some minor pointers now, though I'll still avoid commenting about the full story line or semblances as I don't have anywhere near enough experience on the matter.
In occupation you should just mention that she's in first year. Basically just to make it more obvious when giving the profile a cursory look.
The comment about the makeup in the appearance is a great addition as it describes her looks as well as an aspect of her personality.
Story:Dislike for self-sacrifice fits perfectly and could lead to some interesting discussions as a lot of young hunters probably value it highly, nicely done.
- The abusive father is far more believable the way you have it written now.
- Is the Jasmin flower they received a real flower that would die after a while or is it perceived/figure etc. (This may be fine the way it is now I just didn't get it)
- You might want to consider breaking the story section up into two or three paragraphs (again everything I say at this point is optional, just something to consider)
I don't have any issues with combat behavior or weapon, but that is very much up to your point of view. If you aren't happy with the weapon than what are some things that you can change?
Lastly just wanted to give an example of how you might be using too many commas and periods. More than anything else I've commented on here this will naturally be dependent on your writing style and you can certainly disagree, just have a look at the two spoiler boxes bellow.
Again really nice improvements made across the board.
Small changes, but changes nonetheless.Jupp that's most of what I can offer at this stage ^^
Jupp that's most of what I can offer at this stage ^^
Glad to help, and yeah I know the feeling took me ages to actually put my first OC for review.
A'ight.
- Face claim belongs in 1) a spoiler because image 2) the appearance section.
- Name doesn't need to be colored, but it's probs fine as-is.
- Add a birth date to the age, please. Doesn't necessarily need a year, but at least a day and month, I believe.
- Affiliation is thoroughly superfluous.
- That's (5'2").
- What does the necklace even look like?
- Where is the dove located on the hoodie?
- Subject to change? I hope that's only for WiP, unless you elaborate on that.
- No other sets of clothing? Formal, uniform, etc.? Just asking, I'm not sure if it's even necessary.
- Scratch the abnormal part. That edges into world build territory, nearly. You can replace it with whatever you want, as long as it's something encountered somewhere else in the world.
- What she was destined to be? Sounds a bit corny, but whatevs. Is fine.
- Enchanment is magic, and magic is supposed to be super flipping secret and rare. Besides, it's not like there aren't any treatments for preserving flowers IRL.
- Scratch legendary. That's, again, another thing edging into world build territory.
- Wait, were her aunt and uncle giving her supplementary lessons along with the normal training in Combat School? If so, what exactly is their profession? Also, most of what you mention could be considered par for the course in a combat school, depending on the student.
- Six years of training? So she, what, spent 2 extra years in combat school? And for what reason, exactly?
- 'Mysterious' Please. No. That's not a personality trait. Withheld, shy, something else. Not mysterious.
- Why did her mother's demise affect her in such a way? Oh, wait, it's mentioned after. Maybe switch that order up. 'Hence' is used the wrong way around.
- Why does she lie about her past? Wouldn't not wanting to talk about it, or ignoring questions, make more sense?
- Kind of repeating yourself there on the 'not opening to people quickly'.
- Likes, dislikes, hates and hobbies don't usually get their own sub-sections and are normally written as a seamless description, but it's fine. At least delete hates if not used.
- How does she do in school, academics and combat included?
- 'severe WiP' :|
- 'basic aspects of the weather' No. Make it only one aspect, and rather limited at that. As in, local, not extended.
- Repeating yourself on the backup thing.
- Aura being under average in durability should probably go in the Aura and Semblance section.
- Suggest changing to 'Jasminae'. Looks better, flows better, highly similar.
- Think you meant whir, there. Weir is in Stargate Atlantis.
- So the leather sheet is usually not found on Jasmine's person, correct?
- Be more detailed in the transformation, please. At the moment, it more or less sounds like 'magic happens and this becomes that'.
- How many bolts does she carry around? How big a punch does it pack?
- Do the Dust functions now, if you wanna do any.
- 'almost unbreakable' No. Not the way you explain it. Very durable, sure. Extremely, still okay.
- It can be very difficult to replicate, but not impossible. General rule is that if Atlas can't do it, neither can you.
- RP sample is a touch I don't remember seeing elsewhere.
Alright, so that should be it. That I could find. Keep in mind, some of these are just nitpick and probably don't require changing (I even sort of specified which ones).
A'ight.
- Face claim belongs in 1) a spoiler because image 2) the appearance section.
- Name doesn't need to be colored, but it's probs fine as-is.
- Add a birth date to the age, please. Doesn't necessarily need a year, but at least a day and month, I believe.
- Affiliation is thoroughly superfluous.
- That's (5'2").
- What does the necklace even look like?
- Where is the dove located on the hoodie?
- Subject to change? I hope that's only for WiP, unless you elaborate on that.
- No other sets of clothing? Formal, uniform, etc.? Just asking, I'm not sure if it's even necessary.
- Scratch the abnormal part. That edges into world build territory, nearly. You can replace it with whatever you want, as long as it's something encountered somewhere else in the world.
- What she was destined to be? Sounds a bit corny, but whatevs. Is fine.
- Enchanment is magic, and magic is supposed to be super flipping secret and rare. Besides, it's not like there aren't any treatments for preserving flowers IRL.
- Scratch legendary. That's, again, another thing edging into world build territory.
- Wait, were her aunt and uncle giving her supplementary lessons along with the normal training in Combat School? If so, what exactly is their profession? Also, most of what you mention could be considered par for the course in a combat school, depending on the student.
- Six years of training? So she, what, spent 2 extra years in combat school? And for what reason, exactly?
- 'Mysterious' Please. No. That's not a personality trait. Withheld, shy, something else. Not mysterious.
- Why did her mother's demise affect her in such a way? Oh, wait, it's mentioned after. Maybe switch that order up. 'Hence' is used the wrong way around.
- Why does she lie about her past? Wouldn't not wanting to talk about it, or ignoring questions, make more sense?
- Kind of repeating yourself there on the 'not opening to people quickly'.
- Likes, dislikes, hates and hobbies don't usually get their own sub-sections and are normally written as a seamless description, but it's fine. At least delete hates if not used.
- How does she do in school, academics and combat included?
- 'severe WiP' :|
- 'basic aspects of the weather' No. Make it only one aspect, and rather limited at that. As in, local, not extended.
- Repeating yourself on the backup thing.
- Aura being under average in durability should probably go in the Aura and Semblance section.
- Suggest changing to 'Jasminae'. Looks better, flows better, highly similar.
- Think you meant whir, there. Weir is in Stargate Atlantis.
- So the leather sheet is usually not found on Jasmine's person, correct?
- Be more detailed in the transformation, please. At the moment, it more or less sounds like 'magic happens and this becomes that'.
- How many bolts does she carry around? How big a punch does it pack?
- Do the Dust functions now, if you wanna do any.
- 'almost unbreakable' No. Not the way you explain it. Very durable, sure. Extremely, still okay.
- It can be very difficult to replicate, but not impossible. General rule is that if Atlas can't do it, neither can you.
- RP sample is a touch I don't remember seeing elsewhere.
Alright, so that should be it. That I could find. Keep in mind, some of these are just nitpick and probably don't require changing (I even sort of specified which ones).
A'ight.
- Face claim belongs in 1) a spoiler because image 2) the appearance section.
- Name doesn't need to be colored, but it's probs fine as-is.
- Add a birth date to the age, please. Doesn't necessarily need a year, but at least a day and month, I believe.
- Affiliation is thoroughly superfluous.
- That's (5'2").
- What does the necklace even look like?
- Where is the dove located on the hoodie?
- Subject to change? I hope that's only for WiP, unless you elaborate on that.
- No other sets of clothing? Formal, uniform, etc.? Just asking, I'm not sure if it's even necessary.
- Scratch the abnormal part. That edges into world build territory, nearly. You can replace it with whatever you want, as long as it's something encountered somewhere else in the world.
- What she was destined to be? Sounds a bit corny, but whatevs. Is fine.
- Enchanment is magic, and magic is supposed to be super flipping secret and rare. Besides, it's not like there aren't any treatments for preserving flowers IRL.
- Scratch legendary. That's, again, another thing edging into world build territory.
- Wait, were her aunt and uncle giving her supplementary lessons along with the normal training in Combat School? If so, what exactly is their profession? Also, most of what you mention could be considered par for the course in a combat school, depending on the student.
- Six years of training? So she, what, spent 2 extra years in combat school? And for what reason, exactly?
- 'Mysterious' Please. No. That's not a personality trait. Withheld, shy, something else. Not mysterious.
- Why did her mother's demise affect her in such a way? Oh, wait, it's mentioned after. Maybe switch that order up. 'Hence' is used the wrong way around.
- Why does she lie about her past? Wouldn't not wanting to talk about it, or ignoring questions, make more sense?
- Kind of repeating yourself there on the 'not opening to people quickly'.
- Likes, dislikes, hates and hobbies don't usually get their own sub-sections and are normally written as a seamless description, but it's fine. At least delete hates if not used.
- How does she do in school, academics and combat included?
- 'severe WiP' :|
- 'basic aspects of the weather' No. Make it only one aspect, and rather limited at that. As in, local, not extended.
- Repeating yourself on the backup thing.
- Aura being under average in durability should probably go in the Aura and Semblance section.
- Suggest changing to 'Jasminae'. Looks better, flows better, highly similar.
- Think you meant whir, there. Weir is in Stargate Atlantis.
- So the leather sheet is usually not found on Jasmine's person, correct?
- Be more detailed in the transformation, please. At the moment, it more or less sounds like 'magic happens and this becomes that'.
- How many bolts does she carry around? How big a punch does it pack?
- Do the Dust functions now, if you wanna do any.
- 'almost unbreakable' No. Not the way you explain it. Very durable, sure. Extremely, still okay.
- It can be very difficult to replicate, but not impossible. General rule is that if Atlas can't do it, neither can you.
- RP sample is a touch I don't remember seeing elsewhere.
Alright, so that should be it. That I could find. Keep in mind, some of these are just nitpick and probably don't require changing (I even sort of specified which ones).
- Face claim belongs in 1) a spoiler because image 2) the appearance section.In general people keep images in a spoiler box so that they take up less space, simple formating fix.
- Name doesn't need to be colored, but it's probs fine as-is.It's true that most profiles use white text for that, however several profiles do use color (including my own) and it did not get commented on there. Considering the emphasis on color in the RWBYverse I personally like seeing the color earlier than the aura section.
- Add a birth date to the age, please. Doesn't necessarily need a year, but at least a day and month, I believe.This is a minor point from the character template guide that you missed and I forgot honestly, use the months from it rather than our "normal" ones.
Age:So Zinnober instead of October and year 62 (Year doesn't matter much)
Your character’s current age. We use alternate names for the months of the year, and have a customized timeline.
- January - Niege, French for Snow
- February - Amare, Italian for Love
- March - Klever, Russian for Clover
- April - Arashi, Japanese for Storm
- May - Huā, Chinese for Flower
- June - Saule, Lithuanian for Sun
- July - Hitahita, Maori for Impetuous
- August - Tulikuuma, Finnish for Scalding
- September - Machlud, Welsh of Sunset
- October - Zinnober, German for cinnabar
- November -Saaral, Mongolian for Grey
- December - Frost, English for Frost
Overview of World History timeline.[Note: Timeline is WIP, these historical dates may change, but the current year should not.]
2 AC - End of the Greyed War(War on color, etc)
40-43 AC - Faunus Civil War
80 AC - Age of Color, Present Day, Day 1 Year 1, etc
- Affiliation is thoroughly superfluous.Affiliation is important for a lot of other character systems, however in RWBY it's so closely tied to the school that it doesn't matter much. So you can just drop that.
- That's (5'2").Extra details are always good to see, again it's all about painting a picture for everyone else. And yeah all the more 'meta' comments about WiP and such will have to be removed before going into the approval thread (but perfectly fine here).
- What does the necklace even look like?
- Where is the dove located on the hoodie?
- Subject to change? I hope that's only for WiP, unless you elaborate on that.
- No other sets of clothing? Formal, uniform, etc.? Just asking, I'm not sure if it's even necessary.
- Scratch the abnormal part. That edges into world build territory, nearly. You can replace it with whatever you want, as long as it's something encountered somewhere else in the world.Honestly reviewing story aspects are things I'm bad at and all of these points are good and you should address them. (Did she go to a combat school in addition or just with her family? And is that why it took longer than normal)
- What she was destined to be? Sounds a bit corny, but whatevs. Is fine.
- Enchanment is magic, and magic is supposed to be super flipping secret and rare. Besides, it's not like there aren't any treatments for preserving flowers IRL.
- Scratch legendary. That's, again, another thing edging into world build territory.
- Wait, were her aunt and uncle giving her supplementary lessons along with the normal training in Combat School? If so, what exactly is their profession? Also, most of what you mention could be considered par for the course in a combat school, depending on the student.
- Six years of training? So she, what, spent 2 extra years in combat school? And for what reason, exactly?
- 'Mysterious' Please. No. That's not a personality trait. Withheld, shy, something else. Not mysterious.Mysterious isn't really a good description and yeah fixing the order of information is important, make sure each part builds on what was said before.
- Why did her mother's demise affect her in such a way? Oh, wait, it's mentioned after. Maybe switch that order up. 'Hence' is used the wrong way around.
- Why does she lie about her past? Wouldn't not wanting to talk about it, or ignoring questions, make more sense?Lying does actually make a lot of sense as avoiding questions will typically just lead to more questions, but a simple lie can tie everything up nice and tidy (Also informs us that she isn't above lying).
- Kind of repeating yourself there on the 'not opening to people quickly'.Don't have much to say here either, likes and dislikes aren't normally done like that but that doesn't mean it can't be done like that. And important to address how she does at school.
- Likes, dislikes, hates and hobbies don't usually get their own sub-sections and are normally written as a seamless description, but it's fine. At least delete hates if not used.
- How does she do in school, academics and combat included?
- 'severe WiP' :|Your charcter is getting closer to review and now you do have to make a choice about the semblance, again key point is that it's better for it to focus on one thing. For semblances that do more you will have to make an explanation as to how several traits are derived from one ability. I've done this with Diana ( her semblance lets her combine her aura with someone else, that can be used in different ways) however its important to then make it clear what the weaknesses are (and if you have a particularly strong semblance you'll need to be weaker in general combat, as you spend more time training semblance.)
- 'basic aspects of the weather' No. Make it only one aspect, and rather limited at that. As in, local, not extended.
- Repeating yourself on the backup thing.Aura level should be in the aura section, but should also be commented on in combat behavior as it will affect how she fights. Think of it like you're creating the point in the aura section, and showing us the implication in combat behavior.
- Aura being under average in durability should probably go in the Aura and Semblance section.
- Suggest changing to 'Jasminae'. Looks better, flows better, highly similar.Again simple points that you should address.
- Think you meant whir, there. Weir is in Stargate Atlantis.
- So the leather sheet is usually not found on Jasmine's person, correct?
- Be more detailed in the transformation, please. At the moment, it more or less sounds like 'magic happens and this becomes that'.Because the transformations in the show are so realistic.
- How many bolts does she carry around? How big a punch does it pack?The bolt capacity and basic idea of strength are some of those things that the approval reviewers will get hung up on so it needs to be written somewhere, and again your character is getting closer to done so you need to add the dust stuff now.
- Do the Dust functions now, if you wanna do any.
- 'almost unbreakable' No. Not the way you explain it. Very durable, sure. Extremely, still okay.
- It can be very difficult to replicate, but not impossible. General rule is that if Atlas can't do it, neither can you.
Alright, so that should be it. That I could find. Keep in mind, some of these are just nitpicking and probably don't require changing (I even sort of specified which ones).Again there are a lot of important things to address here, and a lot of basic formatting fixes. In particular, these are things that the approval reviewers will pick up on. In reality the only things that will need some proper work are the semblance and parts of the backstory, you're making good progress! Nathan has raised a lot of very good points that are important for you to address however this doesn't make your OC bad, just not done yet. :)
Cheers, and thanks for doing the actual work that I steal credit for, muhahaha
A'ight.
- Face claim belongs in 1) a spoiler because image 2) the appearance section.
- Name doesn't need to be colored, but it's probs fine as-is.
- Add a birth date to the age, please. Doesn't necessarily need a year, but at least a day and month, I believe.
- Affiliation is thoroughly superfluous.
- That's (5'2").
- What does the necklace even look like?
- Where is the dove located on the hoodie?
- Subject to change? I hope that's only for WiP, unless you elaborate on that.
- No other sets of clothing? Formal, uniform, etc.? Just asking, I'm not sure if it's even necessary.
- Scratch the abnormal part. That edges into world build territory, nearly. You can replace it with whatever you want, as long as it's something encountered somewhere else in the world.
- What she was destined to be? Sounds a bit corny, but whatevs. Is fine.
- Enchanment is magic, and magic is supposed to be super flipping secret and rare. Besides, it's not like there aren't any treatments for preserving flowers IRL.
- Scratch legendary. That's, again, another thing edging into world build territory.
- Wait, were her aunt and uncle giving her supplementary lessons along with the normal training in Combat School? If so, what exactly is their profession? Also, most of what you mention could be considered par for the course in a combat school, depending on the student.
- Six years of training? So she, what, spent 2 extra years in combat school? And for what reason, exactly?
- 'Mysterious' Please. No. That's not a personality trait. Withheld, shy, something else. Not mysterious.
- Why did her mother's demise affect her in such a way? Oh, wait, it's mentioned after. Maybe switch that order up. 'Hence' is used the wrong way around.
- Why does she lie about her past? Wouldn't not wanting to talk about it, or ignoring questions, make more sense?
- Kind of repeating yourself there on the 'not opening to people quickly'.
- Likes, dislikes, hates and hobbies don't usually get their own sub-sections and are normally written as a seamless description, but it's fine. At least delete hates if not used.
- How does she do in school, academics and combat included?
- 'severe WiP' :|
- 'basic aspects of the weather' No. Make it only one aspect, and rather limited at that. As in, local, not extended.
- Repeating yourself on the backup thing.
- Aura being under average in durability should probably go in the Aura and Semblance section.
- Suggest changing to 'Jasminae'. Looks better, flows better, highly similar.
- Think you meant whir, there. Weir is in Stargate Atlantis.
- So the leather sheet is usually not found on Jasmine's person, correct?
- Be more detailed in the transformation, please. At the moment, it more or less sounds like 'magic happens and this becomes that'.
- How many bolts does she carry around? How big a punch does it pack?
- Do the Dust functions now, if you wanna do any.
- 'almost unbreakable' No. Not the way you explain it. Very durable, sure. Extremely, still okay.
- It can be very difficult to replicate, but not impossible. General rule is that if Atlas can't do it, neither can you.
- RP sample is a touch I don't remember seeing elsewhere.
Alright, so that should be it. That I could find. Keep in mind, some of these are just nitpick and probably don't require changing (I even sort of specified which ones).
I'm a patient person so :DWell that's good, I'm really not :P As I've said before I'm still rather new to the site (and writing in general) so as far as in-depth reviews others may have to step in but I'll still gladly take a full look at it.