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RPG Creations => Character Creation => WiP Characters => Topic started by: Ryo on October 11, 2017, 08:51:07 AM

Title: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Ryo on October 11, 2017, 08:51:07 AM

CHARACTER

Name: Maestema Inritus

Age: 17 , born in 24th day of the 12th month.

Species and Gender: Human Male

Occupation: 1st year student at Beacon Academy,

Appearance:

Spoiler: Show

Maestema has a slim build and mostly shorter than most males (and females) of his age, standing 5 feet and 3 inches, and weighs only 107 pounds. He always wears a wide grin in his face, revealing his sharp canines. Which most people think its creepy. He has white unkempt hair, and sharp facial tattoos located at both sides of his cheeks. He also has a pair of somewhat pointy ears, though that just might be a birth defect.

Maestema’s usually wears black sleeveless shirt that has a hoodie and dark blue jeans; arm ornaments with spikes that are like bracelets; and black leather belt, he also wears these as his combat uniform. MAestema sometimes wears school uniform, though very rarely, since he can’t move so freely in those outfit. In some occasion, you can see him wearing a casual shirt with a design print (usually a cat… because everyone loves cats… ฅ(＾・ω・＾ฅ) ).

History:
Maestema came from a family of scientists. His parents are one of the founders of the RKB Corps, an underground organization who is researching about the creatures of Grimm. Their base of operation located deep into the mountains, far south of Vale. They are conducting various Grimm experimentation, finding out ways to communicate with these creatures. Even though the creatures of Grimm show to have no sentience, organization believe that there is some way to control these vile creatures. They conducted experiments on both humans and faunas, trying to find out a way to reach out to these creatures called Grimm. They invented these so-called "enhancers", a medicine which heightens ones' mental capability for a short period of time. However, the side effects of this "enhancers" are strictly confidential. They used the "enhancers" on their human and fauna test subjects. Of course, the test subjects are volunteers from the said organization. They put the test subject in one closed room, and placed a recently captured Grimm in another room. The two rooms are separated with thick fiber glass. A helmet-like device is worn by the human or fauna test subject. The goal is for the human to communicate with the Grimm, trying to find out what it's thinking, and ultimately, controlling it. They believe that if they found out a way of controlling these creatures of grim, they'll be able to create a better world. However, the "enhancers" failed, and most of the test subject went insane, some ended up dead. Despite their failures, the organization still believe that they could succeed in their project. With no volunteers in the organization, Maestema's parents volunteered their own child.

Maestema is a special kind of child. His mental capability is already above average. His parents have been honing his mental capability since he was five years old. He's been raised as a failsafe of the organization. They began to restart the experiment again, now with Maestema as the test subject at the age of eleven. With the help of the "enhancers", Maestema was able to get a respond from the creature. The Beowulf on the other side of the glass seem to be calmer. However, other scientist said it was a fluke, so they continued on with the experiment. Two months passed, and the experiment showed little progress. It only got worse when Maestema's mind became unstable. When left alone in his room, he keeps writing down scribbles on the floor and on the walls. When his parents tried to talk to him, he remains silent and won't give any response. Then they decided to put the experiment in hiatus, until Maestema's mental condition stabilizes. After a month, Maestema’s condition slowly recovers. However, an incident happened at the facility. There was a massive breach, and the captured Grimms were let loose. No one knew what caused the breach. It could’ve been a traitor within the organization. The organization failed to contain the situation and leads to their downfall. In the midst of the chaos, Maestema tries to escape the facility. Coincidentally, he came across his parents, who are currently fighting off a number of Beowolves. Maestema’s parents didn’t hold long enough, and were slaughtered by the Beowolves. Confused and scared, he ran away as the Beowolves tore his parents’ limbs. He manages to escape by entering a vent, big enough for him to enter, but small enough for a Grimm to fit in. After a trekking through the vents of the facility for a while Maestema manage to get out of the facility. He ran towards the woods as fast as he can. But before he could reach the woods, he was hit at the back of his chest by a stray feather of a Nevermore, and before he knew it, he stumbled on the ground, he was in deep pain. He struggles as he tries to stay conscious, and tries to stand up, but his body won’t move. He’s in deep pain and it feels like his mind is going to explode. Everything he sees is covered in red, everything he hears are screams of terror. He keeps hearing a voice inside his head, although he doesn’t quite understand what it’s saying, it keeps repeating and repeating… until his mind went blank… he lost consciousness.

When Maestema woke up, he found himself in a small clinic. He can’t remember what happened after he got hit by the Nevermore’s feather. All he remembers is that he’s in deep pain that night. As Maestema tried to get up, the door opens, and a man with a lab coat comes in. The man introduces himself to Maestema and explains what happened. The man’s name is Dr. Soma, he is a local town doctor. Dr. Soma was travelling from one town to the next until he found Maestema unconscious at the roadside. Dr. Soma immediately approached Maestema and checked his body for fatal wounds or injury. Surprisingly, Maestema has no wounds or injuries, despite that his clothing is tattered and the back of his shirt seems like it’s been pierce by a sharp object. Dr. Soma brought Maestema with him to his clinic.

After explaining what happened to Maestema, Dr. Soma didn’t get any reaction from the boy. Maestema just sat there, lost in thought. Dr. Soma decided to give Maestema shelter for a while, until he recovers. The first few days are troublesome, since Maestema have no appetite, and sometimes didn’t eat the meal that was served to him. However, little by little, Maestema recovered with the help of Dr. Soma. The doctor keeps him company and tells him stories. Dr. Soma takes a liking to Maestema and decided to adopt the boy. And Maestema lived a normal life in a small town.

The RKB Corps however, was founded out by the authorities due the massive breach. The underground organization was shut down for good. The survivors of the breach were captured and imprisoned, and the government demolished the facility that the organization was operating in.

Months pass and Maestema continues to live his life peacefully. He worked as Dr. Soma’s Assistant at the clinic, running errands for the doctor. In his free time, he strolls the streets of the town and observes the people passing by. He likes observing people a lot, it became his pastime. Dr. Soma encouraged Maestema to enter a combat school near their town. Maestema agrees as he doesn’t have anything to do anyway. And so, Maestema entered a combat school. Surprisingly, he excels in school, with an above average grade in physical level and excellent grade in mental level. He graduated combat school with not much difficulty. Dr. Soma is preparing to depart as he is heading to Mistral, to do some important job. Dr. Soma suggested to Maestema to enter Beacon Academy, a prestigious school that trains hunters and huntresses. Maestema, couldn’t really care less about become a hunter, so he told Dr. Soma that he doesn’t want to enter Beacon, and he wants to be a doctor, like him. Dr. Soma was surprised at Maestema’s response and asked him why he wanted to become a doctor. Maestema just shrugged his shoulders and told the doctor that he wants to know more about humans. Dr. Soma was amused at Maestema’s reply, and told the boy that he will make Maestema into a doctor once Maestema became a hunter. Maestema asks Dr. Soma why does he need to be a hunter first before becoming a doctor. Dr. Soma replied that one must learn to protect others first before he can save them. With not much of a choice, Maestema agrees to the deal and the next morning departs to Vale to enter Beacon Academy.

Personality:
Maestema is a strange boy, he stands out way too much and sometimes his attitude might get to anyone's nerves. He's always optimistic and shows his wide grin on his face. Though, he can be casual on some occasions, whenever talking to a person with a higher status who he recognizes as a respectable individual. He is also confident enough about his capabilities. He is manipulative, and likes to study human behaviors. He tends to manipulate others to have a conflict as he enjoys the scenery as two individuals fights or argues.

Aside from that, he is also somewhat a psychopath. He has a weird liking for humans (referring to both human and fauna), and has the habit of 'observing' them. Though, he doesn't really care if a human is killed in front of him, in fact it amuses him. He thinks of it as an “experiment” for his future studies as a doctor. He would like to find out why humans are such fragile beings, and would like to study their deaths in order to create a solution for them to live longer.

In some circumstances, he shows that he really cares for humans, though, he doesn’t really admit it, but he wants to be doctor in order to save humans. Although, being a doctor and watching someone to get killed just for an “experiment” doesn’t really go well together, that’s been the twisted side of his personality that he can’t hide. Though, he shows his care for human child specifically, he has trouble speaking to children and sometimes hold awkward conversations with them, and he’ll save them whenever in trouble. He believes, kids are the future of humanity, and for his observation to continue, these children shall live to see their future.

Despite all his twisted psychotic side, he claims that he really loves humans. As crazy as he seems, deep down inside, Maestema only seeks acceptance from other people.

Aura and Semblance:
Maestema’s aura is color black, which appears to be smokes coming out of his body. His aura gives him a tremendous boost in regeneration, however it lacks in defense and have lower shielding capabilities than others. His regeneration capability is able to instantly heal minor wounds and quickly fix broken bones. His shielding capability is only able to defend against normal attacks, and a heavy attack can easily send him flying.

Heart Eater – Maestema covers himself in dark shadows. When entering this state, Maestema is able to sense negative emotion around him. He gains strength depending on the number of negative emotions near his proximity. The more negative emotions he can sense, the higher strength he receives. He gains 20-30% (depending how much negative emotion a person has; ex. The angrier the person is, the more strength Maestema gains) increased strength per person. Maestema can gain up to 200% increase in strength. These emotions include but not limited to; fear, hate, sadness, anger, hate, despair. The area of effect of his semblance is within a 20-meter radius around Maestema.

However, when in this state, Maestema slowly loses rationality, unable to control his body. The more negative emotions he senses, the more he loses his rationality. His semblance lasts for ten minutes and cannot be deactivated, and once Maestema turns back into his original state, his body is unable to move for fifteen minutes, making him vulnerable.

Combat Behavior:
Maestema prefer to watch at the sidelines as other people fight. He rather “observe” the battle than getting in it. However, when engaged in a fight, Maestema is ruthless and vicious. He usually starts his attack charging in his opponent and relentlessly swinging his blade at his target. He is also quick on his reflex, while dodging an attack, he usually counters, with a swift kick or slash. He also likes taunting the enemy as much as he can. And isn’t afraid to fight head on, even if he knows that he is at a disadvantage. Maestema don’t follow a combat “strategy”, rather, he acts on his instincts, adapting to the current situation. He is always full of surprises, and goes all out. However, his rash approach leads him to needlessly spending his aura, and draining it down. He also has troubles in determining whenever he’s in pain, making him vulnerable to deadly attacks and always putting his life at risk.

WEAPON

Name: Angra Mainyu

Spoiler: Show

Primary Form:
Combat Gun-Blade
A short sword with a large blade. A small barrel is located near the guard of the sword. It is able to fire dusts like a shotgun. One side of the guard also has a blade. The guard of the blade has a storage container, which can load dust canisters. and the handle has two triggers. One trigger to fire the shotgun rounds and the other trigger used for the "Chain Blade Form". The weapon is suited for both melee and ranged combat, acting as a short sword as a melee weapon and a shotgun as a mid-ranged weapon.

Secondary Form:
Combat Chain Blade
With a pull of a trigger, the sword launches its blade at the target. The blade is connected to the handle with a steel chain. The chain can extend up to ten meters. The shotgun can still be fired from the guard while the blade is launched.

Dust Functions:
Angra Mainyu usually uses, explosive dusts to fire shotgun shots. Sometimes, Maestema uses different type of dust to change the weapon’s elements.

History:
The weapon is given to him by Dr. Soma, his foster father, after graduating combat school. Dr. Soma had the weapon made by the finest weapon smith in town. Maestema named it Angra Mainyu, which also means "Destructive Spirit" due to its destructive capabilities.

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Xarias Fury on October 11, 2017, 10:20:40 AM

First piece of advice.
Tense.
You keep switching between past then suddenly present instead of past participle, progressive etc etc. I suggest you stick with past tense in general because it's disorienting reading something like

"They did this to the kids and bandits came. They are killing children doing this and that. Maestema lived. "

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Vision on October 11, 2017, 11:05:34 AM

Said it in the discord but first and foremost welcome to the site Ryo :D though I understand it may be more appropriate to say welcome back.

As for the character, I'll repeat what I said in the discord. I'd highly suggest writing a new character, what you have here just really does not fit the tone of a student. I understand that you wanted to stick with it and some iteration of this character may be approved but it will be a long and tedious process and at the end of the day you may not recognize the character by the end. That's not to say what you've written is bad but it really just does not fit with the story. Rather than someone with the darkest and edgiest backstory try to create a more believable origin, someone who would dedicate their life to protect others as a hunter.

If you are still insistent on sticking with it I've included some pointers of things that would have to be changed to even have a chance of approval, however I've left it in a spoiler as I really don't like doing reviews in this form as the tone just becomes so negative. I certainly think you can create a great character, but you just missed the mark on the tone with this one.

Spoiler: Show

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: MonsterManic on October 11, 2017, 01:57:33 PM

You might have seen a glimpse of me in the Discord: in truth I brought your char up so it's partially my fault for subjecting you to this grilling. I assure you though it's for the greater good; mods are much stricter than what you were used to. That out of the way let's make a couple of things right.

As Vision has tackled the history I'll move on to semblances and the like. Firstly you cannot have a double-barrelled Semblance. It's either the high-intensity regeneration or the beast mode. The latter itself comes under some personal criticism, but as I am not a mod I cannot really say if it's OP or not.

As for combat behaviour, not keeping track of his Aura seems more like a personal bad habit rather than a weakness. I suggest something along the lines of "his rashness leads to him losing more Aura from mistakes caused by his headfirst approach" or something similar.

Weapon: First mode is fine. Second mode is near ban-worthy, as stated in Discord. Particle weapons in general are a large no-no. However, a Dust-powered cannon is fine, so long as it doesn't fire lasers. The shape and stuff can be kept, it's just the concept and what it is firing that needs a change. For Fire Dust I suggest changing the "beam" into something like a flamethrower instead.

Nothing hasn't been said that Vision/Xarias hasn't already covered, so I won't echo them. Follow their advice, it'll serve you well :)

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Ryo on October 12, 2017, 03:39:22 AM

done with the changes. 8) 8) 8)

I've made major changes in the background story and completely change the weapon's second form.

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Siuwa on October 12, 2017, 05:50:21 AM

Quote from: Ryo on October 11, 2017, 08:51:07 AM

the creatures called Grimm

Just use "the creatures of Grimm", since they're called that all the time.

Quote from: Ryo on October 11, 2017, 08:51:07 AM

The organization failed to ~~contaminate~~contain the situation and leads to their downfall.

Quote from: Ryo on October 11, 2017, 08:51:07 AM

lost in ~~taught~~thought

I'm not experienced enough to look at anything other than spelling, but here's what I can offer.
Welcome... back? And I look forward to seeing you in action with us.

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Ryo on October 12, 2017, 05:57:01 AM

Quote from: Siuwa on October 12, 2017, 05:50:21 AM

Just use "the creatures of Grimm", since they're called that all the time.

I'm not experienced enough to look at anything other than spelling, but here's what I can offer.
Welcome... back? And I look forward to seeing you in action with us.

already fixed it. Thanks!

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Vision on October 12, 2017, 08:01:17 PM

Alright I'll take another look :) Moving forward it would help if you would include a bit detailed recap of everything you edit in the post, however as this was such a major rewrite that's not a big issue so no worries.

Name: Jupp
Age: Jupp
Species and Gender: Jupp
Occupation: Jupp
Appearance: Would like to see a number for height (not a big deal but just the norm on the site). Only real concern here is the ears, you say somewhat pointy but the art is very point. Would just like to get that clarified.
History: Sorry to say but still have a lot of issues, covered bellow
Personality: If he takes pleasure in torturing people then this is a full blown psychopath not somewhat, and if he is bad enough at hiding it that he creeps out people then he would never get past the interview process. Also this implies he has experience with torturing people which would have to be covered in history.
Aura: Smokey is fine as long as its cosmetic
Semblance: Regeneration is a fine semblance, but an arm in half an hour is never getting approved, would expect it to be over a month. The semblance would be the ability to regrow, something other people can't, but its still an incredible feat and would take a long time.
Weapon: Fine overall. For the history i'd like to hear where Dr. Soma got it from, but not essential.

History:
- What does RKB stand for?
- Sorry to be the barer of bad news again, but the show is rather explicit in saying that pretty much all study of Grimm is based on observations in the wild (Link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PE66fmjZ0I)) their bodies decompose and they die when in captivity. So keeping and experimenting on Grimm would go beyond the tech on the show and thus wont be approved.
- Using volunteers is a good angle that as you said that would stop as people started dying, but if people aren't willing to do it because of the dangers I have a hard time believing that employees of this organisation would not go to the police to stop such child abuse.

Quote

Maestema was able to get a respond from the creature.

- Developing a drug or other experiment that allows for communication or control of Grimm is a straight up no, never happening, not in any form.
- Going unconscious next to a Beowolf would only end with him dead.

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Ryo on October 12, 2017, 08:50:50 PM

Quote

Appearance: Would like to see a number for height (not a big deal but just the norm on the site). Only real concern here is the ears, you say somewhat pointy but the art is very point. Would just like to get that clarified.

The sketch is not that accurate since it was drawn long time ago. But yeah.. you get the point... I hope

Quote

Personality: If he takes pleasure in torturing people then this is a full blown psychopath not somewhat, and if he is bad enough at hiding it that he creeps out people then he would never get past the interview process. Also this implies he has experience with torturing people which would have to be covered in history.

As per torturing people.. I should change that... What I meant is he gets amused when seeing other people suffering.

Quote

Semblance: Regeneration is a fine semblance, but an arm in half an hour is never getting approved, would expect it to be over a month. The semblance would be the ability to regrow, something other people can't, but its still an incredible feat and would take a long time.

I am currently thinking of a replacement semblance for that.

Quote

History:
- What does RKB stand for?
- Sorry to be the barer of bad news again, but the show is rather explicit in saying that pretty much all study of Grimm is based on observations in the wild (Link) their bodies decompose and they die when in captivity. So keeping and experimenting on Grimm would go beyond the tech on the show and thus wont be approved.
- Using volunteers is a good angle that as you said that would stop as people started dying, but if people aren't willing to do it because of the dangers I have a hard time believing that employees of this organisation would not go to the police to stop such child abuse.

-RKB isn't actually an acronym it's derived from the name of the main founder of the organization... which will be for plot later.
-They use Grimm that are recently captured.. though I should've pointed that out.
-The employees are loyal enough to the organization to not rat them out.

Quote

- Developing a drug or other experiment that allows for communication or control of Grimm is a straight up no, never happening, not in any form.

It didn't stated that it controlled the Grimm. It could've been a misunderstanding. So the drug didn't really work.

Quote

- Going unconscious next to a Beowolf would only end with him dead.

yeah.. I'll probably fix that

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Vision on October 13, 2017, 07:24:33 PM

In regards to the ears that's perfectly fine, just needed to get it clarified :)

In regards to personality and history I think what you have suggested will be a good step in the right direction, however I do realise that this kind of story is just one that I personally don't enjoy (again to be clear that doesn't make it bad) so at this point I'll let someone else / approval help with that.

Best of luck

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Kingnoname1 on October 14, 2017, 04:24:35 AM

Hey just popping in to say if you are having any trouble with coming up with ideas please feel free to talk ideas over here or on the discord. You are clearly interested in RPing on the site so I'm sure people would be happy to help you.

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Ryo on October 14, 2017, 10:12:34 AM

*done editing

-minor changes in personality... specifically, removed the torturing thing.

-completely changed the semblance (I need inputs for the new semblance, if its fine)

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Xarias Fury on October 15, 2017, 08:50:12 AM

New semblance has way too many functions. Sensing negative emotions? Sure, cool. Adding a shittone of buffs after that? Not cool.

Semblances always do one thing, any additional effects must be closely related to the base semblance. Like in this case being able to sense negative emotions, maybe he'd be able to roughly gauge location and weariness or something. Not a random out of nowhere buff for edgy effect.

~~"I FEED OFF YOUR FEAR , MORTALS!!!"~~

Also, regeneration speed is unspecified, shielding effevt is too, andif you try pulling off wolverine like speed I WOULD deny the profile on that basis alone.

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Ryo on October 16, 2017, 08:42:41 PM

I edited it..

I've done some minor changes in semblance. And specified the regeneration and shielding

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Kingnoname1 on October 17, 2017, 12:52:02 AM

It's looking good with only a few small things I can see which might be worth changing.

1). Insanity is an interest character trait but only when it is applied consistently across the character. So make clear how Maestema's psychosis makes him manipulative or is amused by death but still wants to be a doctor. Also think about lesser ways this could be tied into the character such as having a particularly dark sense of humour or spending his spare time learning about anatomy or whatever.

2). Two things about the semblance; could you at least in general terms discuss how much stronger Maestema is getting and secondly clarify how Grimm interact with the 'negative emotion' thing. Although it is clear that Grimm themselves are attracted to negative emotion, they themselves might not be capable of feeling at all.

3). Regeneration seems to something you have quite an attachment to and although I would pretend to understand it I do want to point out an issue you might not have thought about. All fights with students will be to aura break at worse meaning that even if Maestema only has 10% less aura than everyone one else that is a significant disadvantage. And the bonus you get in return is not really that powerful as it would only work in missions and even then your team has to be in pretty bad shape to need it. I'm not saying everything has to be optimised just making sure you understand the consequences of your actions.

4). Collection of minor stuff

Does he wear the school uniform? If so any modifications?
Does he have combat gear?
Dust functions for his weapon?
Hobbies/likes/dislikes?
What situations does Maestema start caring for others and how does it manifest?

Title: Re: Maestema Inritus
Post by: Ryo on October 17, 2017, 01:46:45 AM

Quote from: Kingnoname1 on October 17, 2017, 12:52:02 AM

1). Insanity is an interest character trait but only when it is applied consistently across the character. So make clear how Maestema's psychosis makes him manipulative or is amused by death but still wants to be a doctor. Also think about lesser ways this could be tied into the character such as having a particularly dark sense of humour or spending his spare time learning about anatomy or whatever.

-edited the personality.

Quote from: Kingnoname1 on October 17, 2017, 12:52:02 AM

2). Two things about the semblance; could you at least in general terms discuss how much stronger Maestema is getting and secondly clarify how Grimm interact with the 'negative emotion' thing. Although it is clear that Grimm themselves are attracted to negative emotion, they themselves might not be capable of feeling at all.

-stated how much stronger the strength gain per negative emotion.

Quote from: Kingnoname1 on October 17, 2017, 12:52:02 AM

3). Regeneration seems to something you have quite an attachment to and although I would pretend to understand it I do want to point out an issue you might not have thought about. All fights with students will be to aura break at worse meaning that even if Maestema only has 10% less aura than everyone one else that is a significant disadvantage. And the bonus you get in return is not really that powerful as it would only work in missions and even then your team has to be in pretty bad shape to need it. I'm not saying everything has to be optimised just making sure you understand the consequences of your actions.

-yeah.. I understand the consequences and willing to take the risks

RWBYFanon v5

RPG Creations => Character Creation => WiP Characters => Topic started by: Ryo on October 11, 2017, 08:51:07 AM