RWBYFanon v5
RPG Creations => Character Creation => WiP Characters => Topic started by: Grimlock on November 09, 2017, 09:14:34 PM
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CHARACTER
Name: Yin Bao. Yin as in silver and Bao as in protection
Age: 16
Species and Gender: Male Faunus (Mamba)
Symbol: His symbol resembles a tribal tattoo design. It is a semi-clenched metal gauntlet with a mamba squirming its way around the wrist and fingers. The head of the mamba looks like it is ready to strike at any time. It is also the symbol of his parent's shop
Occupation: First year at Beacon. Aspiring Dust specialist
Appearance: Yin is rather mature for his age already reaching the height of 6' and seems like he still has some more growth in him. He has a rather angular jaw but smooth face with long Silver hair and silver eyes. His voice is rather deep with a strong reverberation when he talks as such when he talks almost no one will not hear him. His muscles take after snakes as well they are not very visible but they are extremely strong and flexible he is also roughly 195 Lbs. It's actually very hard to tell he's a Faunus due to his traits being rather subtle or easy to hide. First off his eyes are silver and he can see normally but if he chooses too much like a snake he has a "heat sensing" view of the world which allows him to see things others may not normally be able. Secondly is his back from right below his neck to lower back is completely covered with smooth scales and his symbol is tattooed on his scales. It also seems that the older he gets the more of his body gets covered with scales. When he was a child the patch of scales was rather small only being a few inches but now is almost his entire back and shows no signs of stopping or slowing down. As for clothes, he doesn't wear the school uniform and he normally wears a robe. His collection of robes are in multitudinous colors and wears them depending on his mood. He walks silently and smoothly and he holds himself with strength and composure.
History: Yin grew up in a quaint little town in vale known for its hot springs and its dust mine. His parents owned the local Dust shop and smithy where they processed the dust and made sure the mining gear was serviced. They have also serviced traveling huntsman as well. Yin had a quiet childhood running around with the other children of the town but he was always fascinated with dust. The ability to use it to make fire or lighting appear was so mind-boggling to him he often stayed home learning from his parents about the intricacies of dust and how to make things.
But after a few years, he started to realize not everything was fine and dandy in this quaint little town. Every month a band of vagabonds demanded tribute for "protection" but he was just a kid he had no way of stopping it he was too small. weak. He would not stand for this but what could he do he could only think of one person that would be able to help him an old retired mercenary turned hermit that lived deep in the forest near town. When he finally made the trek and told the old woman his grievances and asked for help he got silence as an answer. He waited for hours but he never got an answer he returned home and went back the next day sat and waited. This continued for a month before he got an answer from her. Still not speaking but motioned for him to follow from then on they trained day in and out he learned to fight from the old woman.
Years passed of him training with her and still learning from his parents. But soon came the day he would be old enough to be able to enter Signal academy on his way to Beacon all to become a Huntsman and rid the town of its afflictions. His parents were reluctant at first but they soon agreed and he went to his master to tell her that he would not be able to practice with her anymore. All he received at first was the same old cold stare. But his master came back with a trunk with a few objects inside. Books detailing on what and how he was to train on his own, a schematic for a suit of armor some strange metal and where to possibly get more. He was touched that the old woman was giving him parting gifts but in all these years he never heard her voice and asked this once if he could hear it but there was no response. He sighed bowed and left continuing on his way he could have sworn he heard something saying good luck but he wrote it off as his imagination.
He arrived at Signal Acadamy on time and immediately got to work so much so that he never really made friends there essentially ghosting his way through and with his work and dedication he even skipped a grade. In his time at Signal the reason why he never really talked to anyone else was that he was engrossed in the schematics he received from his master they were so intricate and amazing that it took a year just to dissect the gauntlets and greaves. With what small amount of metal he received from his master he got to work on them and painstakingly worked on creating them yet another year passed with him studying, creating and training and finally finished creating what he now calls the Fangs and Scales. Now being his final year at Signal knowing that the rest of the schematics were beyond him at this time. He knew he should at least try to make a few acquaintances but they were all older than him and already had established circles and never really took off with anyone. His last year passed on by with him continuing his training and getting used to what parts of the armor he did have but it was a rather lonely year. Now setting off for Beacon he has vowed to step back a little bit and make some friends because he knows he won't get anywhere if he doesn't have anyone at his side.
Personality: If you had to sum him up in one word it would be laconic. He's one of those people that want to be part of something but never know when to talk so he ends up just not speaking much or at the wrong times. He's normally very calm but he is very protective of those he cares of and would gladly put himself in danger to help them. One of his major flaws is when you get him started on something he essentially becomes obsessed and continues doing that action until he cant do it anymore or completes the task. He will also almost never back down from a challenge of strength or to those mocking his friends often getting himself in trouble where he could have just walked away with no issue. For Human Faunus relations he normally has his back covered and his eyes are not a big giveaway so normally people think he's just another human. But if they do find out and give him grief he ignores them as long as they are insulting himself but as soon as they go off on his friends its time for a reckoning.
Aura and Semblance: Yin has a very strong visible aura which is colored silver, with deep reserves of aura to use. He normally uses his aura sparingly focusing on endurance and regeneration to keep himself in the fight and protect others.
For his Semblance, he can absorb and store dust inside his body and when he wants to he can use his internal reserves to fuel his attacks. His hair, eyes and aura change color and looks of his aura depending what dust he’s using. So, if he’s using fire his hair and eyes change to red instead of silver and his aura is also red and kind of looks like fire. Once he has absorbed the dust it converts into energy inside his body as such he can have different pools of energy in his body and mix to his leisure. Since it's converted to energy only he can use it and once it's in it stays there until he uses it. Due to the sudden rush of energy in his body, he enters a catatonic state which length depends on how much dust he absorbed. He does not have a limit on how much dust he can have stored and if he does he has not discovered it yet but it does take an hour for one charge. (1 charge = 1 min) The obvious weakness to his semblance is if he doesn't have the energy to fight normally then he cant use it.
Combat Behavior: He is normally in the front line drawing the enemies attention while evading or even taking blows to allow others to do their thing or take them down himself. He's a CQC fighter as such one of his major weakness is people who have long-range capabilities or are extremely agile. For if he cant hit them or with what ranged he does have which most have a slow travel time he has trouble and has to close the distance. Against others that use melee or martial arts is his specialty. He himself does have a way to combat his weaknesses with his cannon but he's not a good shot and he's even slower with it being it so cumbersome.
WEAPON
Name: Fangs and Scales
Primary Form: A pair of gauntlets and greaves that provide defense while being his main mode of attack as well. They both are rather intimidating with sharp jagged edges at the fingertips and end of the foot with providing more means of attack. In the palm and heel are runes where the dust effects come out from allowing to launch lightning bolts from his hands to blowing a burst of air from his heels to allow him to jump around faster and with more maneuverability.
Secondary Form: This is there storage form the metal plates condense and rearrange themselves into rectangular cubes for easy stowing and carrying if needed.
Tertiary Form: When in storage mode The Fangs (gauntlets) and The Scales (the Greaves) can rearrange into a large snake-like cannon allowing him to have even more range and impact with his dust fueled attacks.
Dust Functions: There are slots for dust canisters that allow him to fuel his attacks and the minor things such as air blasts from his heels for maneuverability or throwing fireballs depending on what dust he has loaded. As such he normally likes to carry a small backpack with some backup dust if needed.
History: The weapons he painstakingly handcrafted when he was still at Signal Academy. Naming them to align with the animal he resembles as a Faunus. Thus giving, even more, meaning due to these weapons being his lifeline for a long time. He's always on top of repairs and supplying dust and due to the easy transportation and being inconspicuous in storage mode he normally carries them around with him everywhere he can.
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OK so I am going to be pretty critical here and although that might not be 100% fair because you clearly don't know how we do things here I do think it's the most efficient way to help you improve.
Occupation: Just leave it as 'First Year Beacon' maybe plus and side job they do. You won't be able to edit the profile without our permission so it will just save time when Yin inevitable finds a team.
Appearance: So silver eyes aren't going to give you any additional abilities they will just be purely aesthetic. You also might want to put in a little about school uniform as well as something about what he sounds like, how he holds himself, ect, ect.
History: So this really doesn't make sense. He runs away from an orphanage at 8 and some time later, before 16, be basically gets forced into an underground slave arena. OK not impossible but why is he getting paid if he doesn't want to fight? Unless of course he does want to fight but that is another whole host of issues. How does he buy anything if he is again you know a basically a slave and why do they let him buy still which might lead to his escape? If these fights are to the death how does Yin survive long enough to learn how to fight. And what kind of people is Yin winning against and killing, he doesn't have his aura at the time so they would have to be other children, like I wouldn't want that at my school.
Personality: OK so let me get this straight, Yin is abandoned by his parents, beaten by the others in his orphanage and then spends half his life as a slave pit fighter but has no negative emotional trauma. I get that you might not want to play an edge lord, although if that is really the case I would recommend not giving Yin a backstory which makes Batman villains look like they got adopted by the pope, but it is simply unrealistic. You have a section on how Yin got named 'The Grimm Mamba' for his ferocity and amount of people he had killed but that has no affect on him personally? I'm sorry but this is blatantly a Mary Sue. Being a Faunus you should also mention here how he deals with racial abuse or the like as well as opinions on the White Fang.
Semblance: So if you look back at the show you can see that everyone's semblance, except for the schnees, is one ability. Super speed, increased strength and increase durability would all be perfectly fine semblances on their own. Having all of them is ridiculous.
Combat Behaviour: We want you to have at least 2-3 weaknesses inbuilt into this section. You could also add more detail on how Yin deals with different weapon types. RWBY has a lot of fighting in it so try to make this section as detailed as possible.
Weapons are fine.
I know I've been pretty harsh but if you would like any help please feel free to message me, talk on the discord, or here. Either myself or someone else will be happy to help you iron out this character. (Discord link https://discord.gg/Es2GCj4, remember to use the same username)
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Welcome to the site Grimlock!
All I wanted to add to Kingnoname1's suggestions was that it would also be a good idea to take your time with writing the History section. As it is currently, it rushes through everything that has happened to Yin, it lacks structure and flow. (Says the one who finds these things difficulty personally I know haHAA) It looks like you didn't take enough time to think it through, which can cause problems for the character interracting with others later.
This is just a quality of life suggestion, it makes it easier for everybody to understand and most importantly, it allows you to think about what happened to him when he was a child a little more. This would help you greatly with writing a History that makes perfect sense.
EDIT: I recommend looking at already approved characters to get a better idea of what the moderators expect your character sheet to have in terms of depth. You can read them if you click the "Approved Characters" section from the main board of the site.
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He has been majorly changed a lot less edgy more "normal" but still a little weird. Still at a loss for a semblance though.
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Okay this is more of a quality of life thing, but see the difference between the History and Weapons section? It would look a lot less daunting and easy on the eyes if you structured your History section into paragraphs.
Yes, I know the Weapons section has subheadings but, you get the point. ^^
Just a suggestion though.