Author Topic: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)  (Read 36304 times)

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Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« on: December 11, 2016, 08:58:48 PM »
This is kind of WIP because I don't have any visual representation or solid back story for most of my characters because I usually don't do fan-fic. Hopefully I can have someone draw my OCs for me in the near future (I'm a bad artist) because I really want to see them for real instead of just in my head. If you have any problems/critiques with my character, please tell me so that I can make it better! Anyway, lets jump right in to my first character, who I somewhat based off myself.

Name: Acero Walker AKA The Steel Harbinger

Age: 21

Gender: Male

Species: Human/Cyborg

Occupation: 4th year student from Beacon Academy. Used to attend Atlas Academy

Appearance: (This is gonna be kind of bare-bones) 5'9" and average toned build. Has a cybernetic left eye and arm due to the actual ones being cut out/off by a White Fang member. He also has a cybernetic lower jaw (similar to Raiden from MGSRR). He has multiple scars, including a Zuko like burn mark on the left side of his face. His hair is black and short. His eyes are red, and smaller than average and his eyebrows are solid, but separate at the ends farthest from the middle. When not in uniform, he wears a red T-Shirt that has a giant peace sign on the front, somewhat baggy black and white sweatpants, and red and grey shoes. When being deployed on a mission, he puts white and gold plating over his casual clothes (original I know).

Ref. Images (I don't own these)

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History: This is gonna suck and I'm sorry

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Acero was born and raised in the kingdom of Atlas. For most of his life, he lived a quiet, albeit dull life. Ever since he was young, he would go to school, train, go home, rest, and repeat. His parents weren’t home very much due to them being on various archeological trips, so the only people he could talk to were his older, very talkative sister, Talim, and their Faunus babysitter, Juno. Juno was a retired huntress that had come to know the Walkers by escorting them through various Grimm infested areas and ruins. She was a wolf Faunus that cared deeply for Faunus rights and was even a White Fang member when it first formed--she left when it started getting violent. Talim--who was 2 years older than Acero--talked about any topic she could think of whenever she could find an opportunity to, and Juno and Acero listened intently, but didn’t talk unless Talim stopped to catch her breath. Acero and Talim treated Juno with great respect and grew up with hatred for those who take advantage of Faunus, even starting fights because of it. This behaviour carried on until they got severely punished by their parents and teachers. Acero had never done anything notable in his life--except beating up Faunus haters--until he got to Atlas Academy. He spent three years there, being trained and taught by both his professors and Juno. Acero found his weapon, Solar Centurion, his second year and started to unlock his semblance at the same time. Acero worked for a postal service when he wasn’t in school and started to save up money when he could, as he wanted to move to Beacon to avoid going into the military. Talim didn’t like his decision, but respected it, as she knew that the military wasn’t for everyone.

One day during his third year, Acero’s parents never came home weeks after their supposed arrival date. They were later found buried in the snow, 10 miles away from their dig site, along with the hunter that was protecting them. Their bodies had been torn apart by the Grimm, with the only discernible features being their clothing and their faces.  Acero and Talim mourned the deaths of their parents. Juno also mourned their deaths, and helped the two siblings bury their parents. The three found the dead couple’s will and inheritance letter hidden in the house. The letter stated that Acero and Talim would split their fortune, and Juno would keep their house and its belongings, along with any artifacts that the Walkers found and kept on their journey. These included various weapons and armors imbued with special properties. Juno sold most of it to a museum, which allowed her to live the rest of her life in peace. Talim took two unique dust infused talwar swords with her as she left for the military. Acero went back to school pretty depressed, and anything his former team did to cheer him up failed.

Before he left for Vale, Acero asked his team if they could hunt the Grimm that killed his parents. They agreed and made a 2 day journey to the dig site. The Grimm ended up overwhelming the 3rd years and they were all badly injured, Acero being in the worst condition due to fighting a dragon Grimm. Acero woke up a week later and was in a hospital. He couldn’t feel his left arm or see out of his left eye, but there was a feeling of cold metal touching his neck and upper jaw. His lower jaw, left eye and arm couldn't have been saved and were amputated as a result. Talim and Juno were crying as he looked at his new appearance, but Acero said nothing and looked at his remaining arm with a sense of determination. He looked at his caretakers and yelled at them to shut up and stop crying. This made the crying worse and he sighed deeply. The doctor came in and asked Acero if he would interested in prosthetic replacement parts. Acero nodded and signed off on the paperwork. Juno would would pay for these new limbs and the surgery about a month later. After about 2 weeks of recovery, Acero came back and finished his third year at Atlas. A week after school ended, Acero said goodbye to his friends and family as he left for Beacon Academy.


Personality: Despite the hardships he experienced, Acero is a very laid-back and caring person. He's not really one for school or conversation, but when he's with his team, he opens up and gives orders freely and confidently, something his team appreciates, but also gets fed up with from time to time. His hobbies include playing video games, listening to music, photography, boxing, and weightlifting.

Semblance: Flowmotion -- Acero can fluidly move around on both land and air. This allows him to perform feats such as kicking off almost any surface, air dash, swinging around lampposts, grinding along rails, and battling enemies with speed and style. Basically using his environment to his advantage. Acero doesn’t move super fast, but he can keep up with speedier opponents (not Tyrian or Qrow kind of speed mind you) and outspeed and outmaneuver slower opponents.

Examples:

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Acero can only use his semblance when the terrain calls for it, meaning if he’s in an open field or desert, he loses a little maneuverability due to the loss of wall running/jumping, and can get overpowered by fast opponents due to his semblance excelling in tight places. It also takes a lot of accuracy and energy to pull off very complex maneuvers in a battle, which means if he messes up just a little, it could cost him. Due to having years of practice, he doesn’t have to worry about his accuracy or energy too much, but the threat of messing up or running out of steam is still constant while he fights. If Acero goes 100%, he can fight for about 6 minutes. If he goes 75%, he can fight for about 8 minutes and so on.

(Taken from the Power Listing Wiki: http://powerlisting.wikia.com/wiki/Flowmotion)

WEAPON

Name:
Solar Centurion - A dust infused, transformable sword that lacks any ranged component

Primary Form: Greatsword Form - The basic form of the weapon, there are two holes in the sword near the top and bottom. There's a button on the hilt that allows it to split in half into its quicker form. The sword is orange and red.

Secondary Form: Dual Swords Form - After pressing the button on the hilt, the sword can be split in half. This form doesn't hit as hard as the greatsword, but they quicken the users attacks, allowing him to keep up with fast foes. There is a mechanism on the bottom of each swords hilt that lets them link up to each other to form a Polearm.

Tertiary Form: Polearm Form - This form allows the user to clear waves of weak enemies and can also be used to deflect bullets and other projectiles of reasonable size i.e. arrows, small to medium sized rocks, etc.

Ref. Pic:

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History: Before, Acero only had a basic sword and shield when he attended Atlas Academy. Acero’s parents refused to pay outrageous prices for Atlas sanctioned weaponry, so they gave Acero his great grandfather's sword and shield and promised him that they would get him better equipment, but never did. While on a class field trip to some grimm infested ruins in the snowy Solitas mountains, Acero found the weapon that would later be named Solar Centurion in an old, yet untouched tomb. The tomb was guarded by several Ursas’ and Geists--who possessed suits of armor to attack. Acero managed to overpower them with his semblance--which at this time hadn’t fully developed yet because it was his 2nd year. With all of the enemies defeated, Acero picked up the weapon and felt an unfamiliar, yet kind warmth fill him, as if the weapon was congratulating him on his victory. Acero gave his handme downs back to his parents and kept his new partner close to him at all times. He named it Solar Centurion the day after he got back from the field trip and has proudly wielded it since then.

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2016, 01:24:15 AM »
Hey man, welcome to the board. I only have a couple of things, most are more of suggestions than criticisms.

Quote
Student and team leader at Atlas Academy
You need to say what year he's in, and you decide on the team leader once he's on an actual team, not before. You can still say in his personality etc. that he's a good leader, that's fine. Also just to point out, you'll find a team much more easily and have a lot more threads to participate in if you make him a student at Beacon. It's unfortunate but that's the way it is right now. You can still have him be from Atlas if you want, just explain in his history that he emigrated.

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His eyes are red
Why

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His hobbies include eating, playing video games, sleeping, and hanging out with his team.
The personality section could use more in general, but I'm also going to point out that none of these are actually hobbies. I know you're probably just making a joke with the eating and sleeping bit, but it's worth considering what else he'd be doing in his free time when he's alone (Playing video games all day is pretty boring and doesn't really seem like it would fit someone at a combat academy, but there's no real issue with it either)

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Acero lets out all of his pent up emotions, and increases his power and speed ten fold. But, once he becomes enraged, the only thing that he'll care about is the death of his target and the protection of his friends, which can distract him other matters and make his fighting style that of a mindless beast. While he is in his enraged state, Acero's body turns off his pain inhibitors, causing him to fight without thinking about his own well being.

Pretty standard semblance, I know there's several on the board with copies of this. I personally would include more weaknesses besides "he only cares about the death of his target and the protection of his friends" or at least give more explanation of how those are weaknesses, since in most cases that seems like what he'd be doing anyways. Also, include aura drain and duration numbers.

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WEAPON

Name: Silva and Aegis

Primary Form: A dust sword (Silva) and a machine gun-shield (Aegis) powered by different kinds of dust. The dust (which is contained in a 5 in. power cell) plugs into a port on the side of the shield. Once activated, the sword can be plugged into the front of the shield and "coated" with whatever dust is in the shield. The shield has it's own dust infused ammo, which can be loaded into the back of the shield. Aegis has two 50 Cal. barrels beneath it's port for Silva. The machine gun excels at destroying lightly armored targets and aerial foes.

Secondary Form: Cannon Form - Acero can plug Silva into Aegis and turn it 90 degrees towards him. This causes Aegis to switch to its cannon form. One dust power cell is needed to fire 3 shots of Aegis's 45mm cannon. Acero is limited in terms of movement while using this form, thus making it very good for killing any large or armored foe in a few shots.

Ref. Pics: (I don't own any of these images. I'm just posting them here so you can get a general idea for the general function and look of the weapons)

All of this seems okay, but I don't quite see how a shield is going to turn into a cannon, might want to include more/clearer description for transformations and how they interact.

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Has a cybernetic eye and left arm due to the actual ones being cut out/off by a White Fang member. He also has a cybernetic lower jaw (similar to Raiden from MGSRR).

I'm not going to say heads or tails on this, but I'm just warning you that the staff might ask you to change this, I honestly have no idea.
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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2016, 08:43:48 AM »
Thank you very much for telling me about these problems! I copied this over from the OC reddit which is why I mention being a leader and what not, so sorry about that. Just one question though:
 
1. What's wrong with red eyes?

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2016, 10:39:27 AM »
Nothing. Abolutely nothing. It's probably just cliché or something.
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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2016, 07:50:09 PM »
Ok, I changed the weapon and the hobbies. I'll come back to the semblance once I have something figured out.

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2016, 12:41:54 AM »
Alright, I changed the semblance to unrestricted movement. Is it okay now?

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2016, 12:46:25 AM »
If you read some of the other accepted profiles a bunch talk about how much using their semblance draws on their power. So like how many times they can use it or for how long can they use it per day. It helps with balancing.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2016, 01:09:33 AM »
Oh, sorry about that :P. How is it now?

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2016, 02:22:37 AM »
Aside from seeming really powerful but I guess we have only really seen first and second years fight I'd mention how fast Acero can hit certain speeds, like without inertia or gravity the possibility for infinite speed is there so how long it takes him to reach that is important.

As a simple note even 15 minutes is super long for a fight like professional boxing rounds are 3 minutes for men. I get that everyone is a superhero in RWBY but they are also fighting superheroes/villains/monsters.

I'd also mention how his semblance gets him out of grapples or bindings. They definitely come under 'conditions' so it should work.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2016, 06:35:28 PM »
Aside from seeming really powerful but I guess we have only really seen first and second years fight I'd mention how fast Acero can hit certain speeds, like without inertia or gravity the possibility for infinite speed is there so how long it takes him to reach that is important.

As a simple note even 15 minutes is super long for a fight like professional boxing rounds are 3 minutes for men. I get that everyone is a superhero in RWBY but they are also fighting superheroes/villains/monsters.

I'd also mention how his semblance gets him out of grapples or bindings. They definitely come under 'conditions' so it should work.

Alright, I tried addressing those problems. How is it now?

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2016, 09:51:11 PM »
It was more how would his semblance get him out of grapples. Like how would you describe it to who you are RPing with. Is it a flexibility thing or intangibility? Say our characters are fighting and mine gets yours into a headlock, mine is going for the choke out so yours activates his semblance to escape. How does he escape visually?

I'd still mention specific speeds, terms like 'faster' are kinda meaningless outside of context. Can he hit supersonic? How long does it take? Every time he kicks off against the air what is his change in velocity?

Fundamentally the semblance is what I have the biggest problem with and I can't see it be accept by the moderators. It simply does to much and how incredibly vague the power is would make it a nightmare to balance. Think of the semblances we have seen in the show they all do one thing with the possible exception of Ruby, the protagonist.   
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #11 on: December 18, 2016, 01:18:09 AM »
It was more how would his semblance get him out of grapples. Like how would you describe it to who you are RPing with. Is it a flexibility thing or intangibility? Say our characters are fighting and mine gets yours into a headlock, mine is going for the choke out so yours activates his semblance to escape. How does he escape visually?

I'd still mention specific speeds, terms like 'faster' are kinda meaningless outside of context. Can he hit supersonic? How long does it take? Every time he kicks off against the air what is his change in velocity?

Fundamentally the semblance is what I have the biggest problem with and I can't see it be accept by the moderators. It simply does to much and how incredibly vague the power is would make it a nightmare to balance. Think of the semblances we have seen in the show they all do one thing with the possible exception of Ruby, the protagonist.   

Hm, I see what you mean. Should I try to make it work or scrap the semblance entirely? Someone suggested that I use wind based attacks (http://powerlisting.wikia.com/wiki/Air_Attacks). I was thinking that I could basically make it a basic version of air bending that doesn't use air spheres, tornadoes, and other crazy Avatar stuff.

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #12 on: December 18, 2016, 02:08:07 AM »
Something like http://powerlisting.wikia.com/wiki/Air_Dashing might be closer than what you had before. But yea I like the idea wind or other elemental based powers because they provide options of improvement.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2016, 04:05:20 AM »
Okay, yeah, right now the semblance is way too OP. It basically allows him free range of... well... everything, and like King, I can't imagine that being accepted at all. I do suggest you change it to something else though keep in mind that elemental semblances are a bit overused and very powerful, which makes them very easy to misuse and such.
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Re: Acero Walker (Mild WIP)
« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2016, 10:45:47 AM »
Is there a place that I can ask for Semblance ideas or is it all on me?