Hey there!
I'm gonna go over a few of the obvious things; there'll be a good amount to cover over time, however, so I'm just going to poke at the most glaring things for now so we can start cleaning up the character to help you out!
First thing's first;
Occupation: Student at Beacon Academy
What year of student?
Crimson is about 6’1- 6’5
That's... a rather glaringly large range. It's best to settle on an exact height, to be honest. If you go for the higher ranges, be aware that being tall isn't always a great thing; there's issues with blood circulation, and... well, I won't get too picky right now, we're working on the more obvious things immediately.
within battle and or out of combat at a rarity her eyes shows a strange symbol with a light purple outline around the symbol that fills the iris
Why? How?
The color of her air is a purple-black with hints of blues and silvers
...of her air?
“spikes”
So are they spikes then? Are they actually just bananas shaped to look like pointy metal objects?
50-100 light compact arrows
That's a lot of arrows. They won't be particularly powerful if you mean to fit that in to a leg-quiver; after all, if it's more than a certain size you won't be able to bend your legs at all.
all forms of dust
There's a lot more types of Dust in the RPG; usually mixtures of the main ones. Best to specify you have only the main ones, or main ones and a few mixed, etc. Also, be aware if it's powdered Dust, you'd blow up if it's poked around too much in combat; even crystals could go kaboom if it's hit directly.
nearly categorized
I think you meant "neatly categorized" here.
Her mother and father were huntresses and hunters
Plural? They were more than one?
As a child, she was taught how to fight grim
First thing's first, 'Grimm'. Secondly, if you meant she fought them as a seven-year-old child, then no. That's not especially a thing. If the town was...
full of huntresses and hunters who helped her train
Then they'd be very unlikely to take a child straight into combat. Combat training, on the other hand, that's totally fine. However, she wouldn't have mastered all of them if so many were being taught; basic knowledge of each, sure. A child's body wouldn't be able to handle quite the level of exercise I'm thinking you are imagining, however, without damaging the muscles severely - even with aura, I'd imagine.
However, if this town is chock-full of hunters and huntresses, then what's it's name? It sounds like an important place. How large is it? Is it's population around 300, and they're
all hunters and huntresses? Why are so many in such a small area, then? Necessary backstory that would need to be explained.
The town was prosperous….
You don't need quite so many full stops. A better way to put it would be: 'The town was prosperous for many years, until... Until that day. The day the village went into shambles, the village she once grew up in was gone, destroyed, vanished.'
Apart from that, why was the village so prosperous? What did it exactly have to offer Remnant? Lumber? Manpower?
Many different faunus members, of all different types, from the White Fang including their leader began to slaughter, burn, steal things from every single man, woman, and child until nothing was left of their village to show Vale how the White Fang have been treated throughout regions.
Hwut
There might have been faunus living there; would they destroy the village considering that? Would they kill all the faunus too, and go against their wishes to leave their fellow villagers? More to the point, how did they take down a village
full of fully-trained hunters and huntresses? One alone is powerful enough to destroy far more terrifying things than a few men with a gun. What's the point of even destroying the village if it's just a random village in the woods, anyways? Did it have importance of some kind?
Their leader commanded his men and woman, to start attacking the village. All of the huntresses and hunters, one-by-one, fell to their death along with many grim and White Fang members.
Where'd the Grimm come from? How did all the hunters and huntresses fall?
Crimson’s parents fought against the leader as for Crimson, she helped to defend the village from grimm that joined the fight later on and White Fang.
How did they find the leader? More to the point, how old was Crimson at the time? Did she have a weapon? How did she get it? Did she fight using her fists? I don't think that would work against either Grimm or White Fang.
Within many hour of fight of Crimson’s village, the leader of the White Fang slaughtered Crimson’s parents as Crimson was looking at them being killed. Crimson fell to her knees as her father looks at her as say in great pain, “We love you, so much. Stay strong with your head held high. Never give up and never forget your...village. Crimson. Remember…we are always….here for... y-y-you…..”
How did she see them? How did the leader take both highly-trained people down? If the leader was so good, why didn't they simply sense and kill Crimson? How is Crimson meant to outrun someone that powerful? More to the point, have you asked at all whether the White Fang would do such a thing or if the leader of the
entire White Fang would personally slaughter a village? DrGustave controls them; best to ask what would be far more likely to happen. Personally, I'd recommend Bandits instead.
Crimson faints from exhaustion. She woke up in a city far away from the main city in Vale. She was rescued by multiple groups of hunters and huntresses that where on patrol in the forests that saw the black smoke from fires and grimm.
Why didn't they find the place in the, what, five hours that were spent fighting? Smoke would've been an early thing in a battle of that scale. More to the point, how was she the
only survivor? There must have been other people who could've slipped out in the confusion; if not, how did they not get out and Crimson did? Why did the village not call for backup?
They were actually the trainees of the first huntresses and hunters including the huntresses and hunters as well. She told them all her story, even the first hunters and huntresses.
So they're over several thousand years old? Blimey. You sure Crimson wasn't talking to a graveyard?
Crimson was devoted to getting revenge. Crimson vowed an oath that she will live long in the name of her village and get vengeance on the leader of the White Fang for killing her parents and destroying her loved village.
Interesting.
How does this mean she got to Beacon?
Cool, rarely shows emotion but sometimes when you get to know her is nicer, introvert, mature, serious during combat, strong willed/strong hearted, tends to get sidetracked in her thoughts, has a evil side to her, cautious around/ near faunus, hides many secrets, wise, stubborn at times
How does the evil side act? How is she mature and wise but is completely driven to revenge and has an evil side to her?
trustworthy, never lies, listens to other within school and or combat, strategic in combat/class, ,patient, ambidextrous, adapts to her surrounding easily than others, skilled with almost every weapon, her vision is sharper/faster than an average human/faunus, has a large amount of aura so wounds heal fast depending on how bad it is but leave scars,
Why is her vision sharper/faster? How is it sharper than a faunus', who are far sharper than humans'? How the hell is she skilled with every single weapon that exists? She wouldn't have had that much time to do everything. Has she learnt to control that much aura? If so, how did she have the time to during all that combat and weapon training? How is she so good socially if she spent all her time training? Why does she adapt to her surroundings easier than others - she's been in a single village for so long, not moving around much, then you'd think it would be the opposite. How does she keep a lot of secrets but never lie, and how does that make her trustworthy? What does strategic in
class mean?
emotionless at times, does not talk much, pessimistic in combat, a bit cocky in training and or combat but it rarely shows, shallow, small PTD (post trauma disorder), hand-to-hand combat,
She's wise but cocky in training and it rarely shows? That's several paradoxes all mixed up into one wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey right there. How does she have a
small PTSD from seeing her friends and family slaughtered around her while she can't do anything and her home is destroyed? How is she weak in hand-to-hand if she has trained all her life under it?
Crimson has deft enough control over these that she could form them to a creature that used for both combat and non-combat uses.
Cool. When did she learn how to? How did she learn it?
then the user has little extra power to draw on, thus leaving them with the shadows they can create themselves with their Aura, as well as what few are left around.
So it uses aura, or stamina? How much? What's the difference and scale?
also has made her develop a sixth sense to detect different grimm types and aura of multiple people.
How?
when someone is in need in combat she doesn’t give up to try to save them but it she fails she fells a small burden put upon herself, tends to get caught up in the fight, when fighting her personality gets “more grim” and becomes a little creepy/demonic (meaning menacing, twisted)
This is additional information. Combat behavior means
how does she fight, you can put this information in but it describes nothing of how she actually fights.
emotionless at times, does not talk much, pessimistic in combat, a bit cocky in training and or combat but it rarely shows, shallow, small PTD (post trauma disorder), hand-to-hand combat,
You can't just copy-and-paste the previous section. Split them up and put a bit more detail into them, or delete one of them and fit it into the section itself.
Corrupted destiny (Bow), The Blades of Judgement (Complete set), Broken Promise/Destiny's Song (Swords), Soul Reaper/Eternal Harmony (Katanas), Heaven's Judgment (staffs)
She... holds all of these at once? How? Why does she have all of these and only one is described? How did she make them? Why would she use so many and not focus on one? If she's super-skilled at all of them... how the hell did she train that much? Even in eighteen years you wouldn't get that much practice.
Crimson forged it by hand
She wouldn't have learnt how to make ridiculously powerful weapons as well as everything else.
She forged it around 10 years ago when she was around the age of 7-8
So she was five years old when she fought Grimm?
I'm sorry that it's a bit harsh and there's so much to go over, but to be frank - it needs a lot of work before it meets the conditions that the site requires for characters, as far as I am aware. Currently, I personally think that you'll have to work on it with everyone for a while before it will be ready to be accepted. Thanks for reading over everything.
Topic: Crimson Nightshade (WIP HELP) (Read 6441 times)