Author Topic: Ashlee Sanders  (Read 164 times)

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Ashlee Sanders
« on: August 13, 2019, 01:23:21 AM »
Ashlee Sanders

Name:Ashlee Sanders
Spoiler: ShowHide
Nickname: Ash only my very close friends and family can call me that, no one else.


Age: 2nd of Amare 17

Species and Gender: Human and Female
Symbol: 2 bullets forming an x in front of a heart

Occupation: Beacon Academy 1st Student

Appearance: Silky blonde hair with blue eyes, Regular nose, with heart shaped lips. Thicc eyebrows that look like a perfect nike swoosh, eyelashes leaning off to the edge of my eyes. Normal shaped eyes. Hair goes down with wings that have two strands of hair guiding the other. Hair that looks like Carrie Underwood's hair. Hairless legs that are toned, Where's a battle dress kinda like the first dress in this link https://i.pinimg.com/originals/cd/b5/c7/cdb5c79379776222b006b53f9566c8d0.jpg. I stand 5' 7" and weigh 128 pounds. My battle dress a light reddish goldish fade that comes down from the middle of my torso showing my thighs with black heels and knee high stockings. I have striped black short shorts with laces that come from under my chest over it. With a black bracelet on my wrist. I have a clip on the back of my dress where my sniper in it's primary form is supposed to go.

History: When I was a little girl, I was always obsessed with snipers. I would hunt with my father. That's where I had learned how to shoot guns. Me and my father would shoot snipers that were airsoft. And I would always hit my target. So then me and my dad went hunting and caught some deer meat. We cooked it up and served it to my brother mom and dad. I just ate leftovers from last night which were some peas and chicken. When I was a kid I was really submissive and people would blackmail me because I would always tell the truth.(e.g If I would say that I stole some chicken from the fridge that was supposed to be for dinner) people would blackmail me saying they'd tel;l my parents if I didn't do that something. And when I got older I started being a bit neutral I would let bullies at school push me over but then when someone would hurt me or my brother, I'd hurt them hard. I still tell the truth now, but when I wanna get out of trouble I tell half truths. I'm from the kingdom of Vale. I went to signal academy for 4 years and graduated to Beacon. I worked at an armory shop with my father for a little while, and after I stopped working he had made me my own weapon that I wanted so bad UwU. I have a SCF on my weapon that contains dust in a catalyst which I can switch by cyciling through the catalyst selecting on a dust.. When I was a kid I had beat up another kid for punching my brother in the nose causing it to bleed, so I made his whole face bleed and he had punched me over my chest while his semblance was activated and now I have a tiny scar above it, I went to the doctor so it's not noticeable. The only reason I was submissive was because at Signal we weren't allowed to use your sembalance to fight people. So I always used mine to play games with the
 bullies, hence why I was bullied.

Personality: For fun I like to play video games with my Twin Brother. and the feelings towards my dad is Savage because he always has a perfect come back to big ol' meanies. Feelings towards my Mom is Cool because she always tries to act hip with the kids by showing off her mace that's a sawed off shotgun. My feelings towards fanus are "I think they're cool." It's not every day you get to see a Fanus walk around a city full of people and show off their tail. I always wondered what it felt like to be a fanus even with the whole discrimination thing our species. My feelings towards others are "Suspectful" I think that everyone I come across is gonna try and do something to harm me. I almost got something stolen from me, but then I sniped his legs using ice dust as he was running away and caught up to him. I don't wanna say his name because i'd like to keep him Anonymous. My feelings towards people that are a glass half full person I think they're weird because there's no one in this world that IS THAT optimistic.

Sembalance: My sembalance does kinda tie in with my personality. Before unlocking my sembalance I was a pushover and I was nice to people. But after a kid beat up my brother I was still nice but i'm protective now and not a pushover. Shadow Clone: I can only leave it in the spot I just was. The look exactly like me, and can't fight or defend themselves. When I use it I disappear for 3 seconds. I can use my clone running away, completing an action for me, messing with people, or just having fun with them. (e.g I cast a clone to dance with it, or cast it just to hold a baby for me or hold my drink. They're not that fragile but an attack against them would instantly break unless I infuse it with Ice crystal and it just explodes on touching someone (only if it touches someone, if it holds someone that's completely different). Aura: My aura color is a teal fade with the tips a golddish red color. Detection, I can also heal. I can use my sembalance as often as 7 times anymore times after that puts a strain on my muscles and I get slower. I can have up to 1 clones at one time but trying anymore than 1 clone would but a great strain than it would for me using 1 clone. These clones can last as long as 6 seconds as long as they're not shot or attacked because they will instantly disperse. I can disperse my clones whenever I want.
Ice: Creates a clone that explodes and sends ice cycles flying everywhere (I can be damaged by them if I don't pay attention).
Fire: When i'm running I can send a fire clone running 2x my speed and detonate on impact.
Wind: Sends the person on hit flying into the air about 9 meters up.
Lightning: If not cast in water it electrocutes everyone in a 5 meter radius causing them a heavy slow. (can be used as an escape). If cast in water: automatically electrocutes everyone causing a heavy slow (can be damaged by this)
Gravity/Propulsion: Sends me flying in the direction I choose (can be used as a speed advantage)

Combat Behavior:1. When I run I have a weak spot over my chest where if I get shot it damages me 2x more than it would because when I was a kid I got a scar there. It's still there because the kid punched me and my aura failed up on the healing, all it could do is heal a large portion of it but it had to leave a smaller portion.
2. When i'm using my clone it's easy to tell where I go because I leave a split second fade when I use my semblance. So if the opponent has an AOE ability they just need to pay attention where I go.
3. I would have a problem dealing with people with AOE's or people with strong body builds because they'd hit heavy and if they have an aAOE with that it renders my sembalance pretty hard to cast unless I know I can get out.
4. I like to camp on top of high spaces so I can get easier snipes, but if I get spotted I can use my sembalance to re-fix my position so I can get back into stealth. I like to be stealthy, but if an enemy spots me I can come out into melee mode and give em' hell. I like to sometimes get up and close and use my sniper like it's a pistol, and if i'm getting double teamed I like to place and ice clone put my sniper back onto my dress. And then run away by exploding the ice icicles.

WEAPON

Name: Sand-Fall

Primary Form: A semi-auto sniper rifle with a scope that has a rose gold/blueish fade. The sniper rifle itself has a snipe stabilizer that if i'm sitting on a mountain I can click the button on the side to activate these stands so I can snipe easier. The sniper has a spear head at the end of it so if I have to switch to melee I can. The sniper is pretty light so I can move it around as if it were a sword.

Secondary Form: A scythe/ semi-auto sniper rifle in which when I slam the scythe part into the ground and try and snipe I get less bloom meaning (when you're trying to snipe and your gun is wobbly because you're breathing too fast). If I fall off a cliff or something I can use the edge of the scythe to dig it into the cliff, and I have 3 options, I can either use my sembalance to blast me back up, I can mountain climb, Or I can quickly take the scythe part out and shoot multiple bullets so it can send me upwards. My scythe/sniper has a spear head at the end of it so if I get blasted back I can stick the scythe into the ground and then it'll stop me from the blast.

Tertiary Form: My scythe turns into a 6 round sniper rifle that when I shoot fires out 6 bullets, but only 1 bullet can be infused with a dust effect so i'll need to randomly guess which bullet is which.
Dust Functions:
Fire: Shoots a bullet that sets anything it touches on fire.
Ice: Freezes a part of the enemies limb making it harder to move it. Can be broken if they have a passive fire effect or if shot with a fire bullet.
Wind: Propels me in the direction i'm shooting.
Lightning: Explodes on impact stunning anyone the 1 foot radius explode when touched.
Gravity: If I infuse a bullet with this it makes the person touched by it way heavier causing them to be slower.

History: This was the weapon my dad made me when I quit the smithing business he said "This heavy caliber rifle is pretty light for a sniper/scythe but remember it can way you down. and this button turns blade mode on which means if you can't learn to shoot without a scope then you better hope you can fight hand to hand combat.". And so I took it. (armory I meant)
« Last Edit: August 23, 2019, 09:45:01 PM by ShadowPower »
Ashlee "Shai" Sanders "Stealth is what you have to be afraid of" (cocks gun)

ReaperJoe

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Re: Ashlee "Shai" Sanders
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2019, 05:11:41 PM »
Hi there, welcome to the site!  It's always good to have new members come in.  Before I get into the review, we have a discord server where it's much easier to get in contact with mods for help with character creation and things like that, and it can be found here.  Other than that, it looks like you've found everything alright, so let's get right into it.

I know this is still in WiP, so I'm just going to comment on what you have so far.  Before I begin, I'd recommend looking through some of the approved profiles to get a general gist of what we're looking for.  Anyways, on to the review

First thing to note is that a first-person perspective for profiles is unusual; in fact, mostly everything on site is done in third-person.  If you want to do first-person, that's fine, it won't detract from anything, it's just something to keep in mind.

On the age, our site currently has the "present year" as year 80, and currently Ashlee's profile implies she was literally just born.  You don't really need to worry about putting the year, just the month and day and her current age is more than enough.

In Occupation, you'll need to specify which Combat Academy Ashlee will be attending, as well as which year.

Appearance is mostly fine, however, you'll need to write out more detail for her clothes.  As useful as images are, this is a site that relies on writing, so I'm going to have to ask for more than "it looks like this picture".  It doesn't need to be incredibly detailed (appearances are a personal weakness of mine), but it does need to be enough that we can get an image in our head without looking at a picture.

In Ashlee's history, you say "they" put her in an "advanced shooting class".  First of all, who is "they", and who is teaching this class?  If I may make a suggestion, you have a section where you mention Ashlee hunting with her dad.  Instead of some mysterious figure teaching some class that exists maybe, perhaps Ashlee learned to shoot from her dad?  It gives more credence to the idea that she's a gifted sniper vs playing "sniper games", in my humble opinion.  Moving on, Ashlee is apparently from Mantle, but went to school at Signal, which is on the island of Patch (According to the RWBY wiki).  I'm assuming she didn't commute there from Mantle, but you make no mention of moving to Vale, nor why she chose to attend a school that far away from home.  Finally, Ashlee apparently has an injury from a fight that left a tiny scar.  Since this injury facilitates one of her weaknesses (more on that later), I'd like to ask for more details on why and how it's still affecting her years later.

On to Personality.  Frankly, you need more.  Personalities can't be summed up in two sentences.  If you're struggling with what to put here, consider what she likes to do for fun, or perhaps her feelings on family and friends.  Since she's apparently from Atlas, she probably has an opinion on Faunus and the White Fang, and possibly even Dust Companies.  Does she like being clean, or does she like getting her hands dirty?  How does she feel about Grimm?  There are plenty of ways to expand and elaborate here.

A'ight, the semblance.  So first off, saying it's "like Blake's" isn't enough of an initial description, at least in my book.  You'll have to describe how it looks when she uses it, how it appears, things like that.  And, regarding aura detection, the template specifically says, "Detection: A 'sixth sense', the ability to detect nearby Grimm or Aura. This ability is always vague, and cannot grant specific details such as number of targets, or exact location", so I'll have to ask you to change that.  Also, you're more than welcome to have a character theme for Ashlee, but background music is not a function of aura.

Moving back to the semblance itself, you're going to need to explain how often Ashlee can use it, how many clones she can have up at a time, how long these clones can last, how durable they are (or explain if they're intangible) Regarding the specific dust effects, I going to have to ask you to nerf the Wind and Lightning effects.  Sending everyone flying within 25 meters is overkill.  You don't need to put exact numbers, but I'd highly recommend toning it down significantly.  As for Lightning, an on-command cripple effect like that is incredibly strong.  I'd recommend toning it down to something like a heavy slow at the worst.

Combat Behavior, like Personality, is going to need much more elaboration.  First of all, we generally have a benchmark of three to four weaknesses, and you've only listed two.  You also need to describe how she fights as well.  For instance, you mentioned in Ashlee's history that she's a sniper.  Okay, does that mean she likes to hang out in the back of fights to take out enemies from afar?  Or is she one of those new-fangled "melee snipers" that likes to shoot things at point blank?  Does she like to move around a lot, or does she prefer holing up in one place and camping out?  Does she struggle in contests of pure strength?  Or maybe nimble opponents are her bane?  If she likes to use stealth, does using her semblance give her away?

Also, regarding the "weakpoint" weakness she currently has, it won't really be evident to most characters, and I feel like that weakness can be negated with a bit of clever armor design.  I won't say remove it, but I'd recommend considering weaknesses that develop more organically from her fighting style.

As for the weapon, is it basically just Crescent Rose with a different color scheme?  Because if it is, I'm pretty sure that won't fly.  One of the first things you'll read in the Character Creation rules is "Originality. Don't copy characters created by others. This includes characters on this site and characters from other sources. Create your own unique character. Alluding to a character or theme is acceptable."  I'm going to have to ask you to create a bit more distinction between Sand-Fall and Crescent Rose.  Also, in the tertiary form, you mention that Ashlee can swing the blade faster because it's "light".  Keep in mind that the weapon will weigh the same in between forms (unless, of course, the weapon separates into two parts, but I don't see anywhere that specifies that). 

As for the dust effects, I'm going to have to ask you to change the Ice dust section.  Aura will (generally) protect the skin from bullets and slashes and things like that.  You can change it to partially freezing a limb, and that should be fine.  I'm also going to have to ask for a range nerf on the stun on the Lightning effect.  Personally, I'd recommend you tone it down to a brief, single target stun.

Anyways, I think that's about it.  Like I said, if you have any questions, feel free to join us on discord.
Smokey Emberstone Beacon 1st Year and the Immovable Gunslinger of Team DASE "I've got more than enough firepower to beat you" "You've only got one bullet!" "Like I said, more than enough"

Aurelia Lumen Beacon 3rd year and the Warhorse of Team (TBD)  "Lay down your weapons, lest you wish to taste my steel!"

Wabul "Toast" Paka Shade 1st year and the Acrobatic Swashbuckler of Team (TBD)  "Hey, I'm gonna go jump off a bridge, who's with me?"

Lucas Meridiem Haven 4th year and the Hermit of Team (TBD)  "What's so great about 'bittersweet'?"

Clara Meridiem Beacon 1st year and the Blast Magician of Team (TBD) "No one likes just plain ol' bitter"

Hexcodes:
515151
FFD700
E55812
CCE9AE

ShadowPower

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Re: Ashlee "Shai" Sanders
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2019, 04:56:21 PM »
I fixed it up, if there's anything wrong don't be afraid to discord me. Aquarius#0632
Ashlee "Shai" Sanders "Stealth is what you have to be afraid of" (cocks gun)

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Re: Ashlee "Shai" Sanders
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2019, 02:25:48 AM »
Alright, so a bit of progress was made, but the profile still needs a few changes.

This is more of a formality, but could you specify in Occupation what year Ashlee is?  I'm assuming she's a first year, but it's just one of those things that make it easier to tell at a glance.

Personality still needs more.  I'd highly recommend reading through a few of the approved profiles to get an idea of what we're looking for.  As it is, three sentences describing her feelings towards people that (most likely, there are exceptions) aren't going to appear in threads aren't going to cut it.

Now that the semblance has more elaboration, I can definitely say it's too strong as it is.  Frankly, the ability to go invisible by itself is very powerful.  Combining that with the ability to block attacks and do damage, I'd say that's powerful enough to be two separate semblances.  On top of that, giving the clones an indefinite duration as well as letting Ashlee use it as much as she wants isn't going to fly either, not to mention she can have three active at a time.  Hell, combined with invisibility, I'd say having one active at a time is plenty. 

That being said, there is an interesting ability under all that.  If I may make a suggestion, and feel free to go in an entirely different direction if you'd prefer, but if you're willing to make the clone completely intangible, drop the dust effects, and keep the brief fade effect, I think a "decoy" semblance would be pretty cool.  Of course, you have to provide a few limiters, like how long Ashlee would disappear for, how long the "decoy" would last (I'd say around 10 seconds at most for a first year), as well as including some sort of "cooldown" mechanic so she doesn't immediately run away if she's caught out.  Lastly, there'd have to be a limit to how many times she could do this.

Again, this is also a suggestion, but you can have this tie into her personality as well.  Keep in mind that the show describes semblances as the manifestation of a person's soul.  What kind of person would have a semblance like this?  Using the semblance I just described as an example, in my head this character would be deceptive and vengeful, and her semblance manifests as a way for her to trick and sneak up on her enemies to take them out.  Of course, that's just a suggestion, you don't really have to follow that line of reasoning if you don't want to.

Anyways, back to Aura and Semblance, I'll have to reiterate that theme music is not an effect of aura.  I'll also add that costume changes are also not an effect of aura.  If you want to have an alternate outfit, that's fine, but that would be listed in the appearance section.  Also, as a note, if the alternate outfit is lighter and let's her run faster, than what's the point of wearing the first outfit in the first place?  Furthermore, from looking at the image you provided, the dress doesn't really look that heavy, so I don't really see how the alternate outfit would be much of an upgrade, at least in that particular regard.  But, yeah, reiterating my original point, costume changes are not a function of aura. 

Moving on to Combat Behavior, you've added enough to flesh out her combat style, but I'm still have an issue with the weaknesses.  First off, the weakness you added regarding her dress isn't really that much of a weakness at all, in my opinion.  Like, what would be the difference between someone throwing a needle at Ashlee's face versus her thigh?  If anything, I'd say the dress would get in the way of the needles and throw them off-course.  Also, while easily getting cold would be an inconvenient trait in a place like Atlas, I'd argue that be something better fit for Personality.  Lastly, I'm going to have to nix "Mark's" semblance.  A permanent effect with such a bizarre "cure" is not gonna fly, especially an effect as potentially debilitating as that.  If you really-- and I'm mean REALLY-- want to keep that weakness, I guess you could say that when he punched you, it broke a rib and due to some medical shenanigans it never healed right, leaving you vulnerable in that spot, but I still stand by my previous recommendation of changing it up entirely. 

Everything else looks relatively okay, I do have a few minor issues here and there, but I don't think they're big enough to warrant addressing.  Again, if you have any questions, feel free to post in #character-and-team-questions on the discord server.
Smokey Emberstone Beacon 1st Year and the Immovable Gunslinger of Team DASE "I've got more than enough firepower to beat you" "You've only got one bullet!" "Like I said, more than enough"

Aurelia Lumen Beacon 3rd year and the Warhorse of Team (TBD)  "Lay down your weapons, lest you wish to taste my steel!"

Wabul "Toast" Paka Shade 1st year and the Acrobatic Swashbuckler of Team (TBD)  "Hey, I'm gonna go jump off a bridge, who's with me?"

Lucas Meridiem Haven 4th year and the Hermit of Team (TBD)  "What's so great about 'bittersweet'?"

Clara Meridiem Beacon 1st year and the Blast Magician of Team (TBD) "No one likes just plain ol' bitter"

Hexcodes:
515151
FFD700
E55812
CCE9AE

ShadowPower

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Re: Ashlee "Shai" Sanders
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2019, 06:22:54 AM »
Everything SHOULD be fine now, I fixed some grammatical errors. I type fast and don't exactly look at my keyboard, but I think everything is fine now.
Ashlee "Shai" Sanders "Stealth is what you have to be afraid of" (cocks gun)

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Re: Ashlee "Shai" Sanders
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2019, 01:16:36 AM »
Alright, we're almost there, just a few more changes that need to be made and I think it'll be good.

So, once again, I do have to reiterate that having low aura does not have any effect on outfits.  Having alternate outfits is fine, but changing between them would be something the character physically has to do, not something that happens because someone grazed you with a bullet and knocked your aura below X%. 

As far as combat behavior goes, you kinda just changed the weakness from getting cold easily to getting hot easily, which still carries with it the same issue that I had before.  If you need suggestions, think about the type of character that would give Ashlee trouble.  You've already mentioned characters that are capable of AoE effects, which is a good start, but I doubt that's the only type of character that would give her a hard time.  For instance, how does she fair against those that have workarounds for her stealth abilities?  Would she struggle in melee against people that try and grab her and hold her still?  How does she fair against people that also abuse stealth?  There can literally be thousands of things to consider here, which is why I'm going to need more than being mildly inconvenienced by the weather occasionally.

Other than those two things, though, the profile looks pretty good.
Smokey Emberstone Beacon 1st Year and the Immovable Gunslinger of Team DASE "I've got more than enough firepower to beat you" "You've only got one bullet!" "Like I said, more than enough"

Aurelia Lumen Beacon 3rd year and the Warhorse of Team (TBD)  "Lay down your weapons, lest you wish to taste my steel!"

Wabul "Toast" Paka Shade 1st year and the Acrobatic Swashbuckler of Team (TBD)  "Hey, I'm gonna go jump off a bridge, who's with me?"

Lucas Meridiem Haven 4th year and the Hermit of Team (TBD)  "What's so great about 'bittersweet'?"

Clara Meridiem Beacon 1st year and the Blast Magician of Team (TBD) "No one likes just plain ol' bitter"

Hexcodes:
515151
FFD700
E55812
CCE9AE

Moth

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Re: Ashlee "Shai" Sanders
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2019, 12:40:22 PM »
Hiya there Shadow! Welcome to the forums, it's always nice to see new members on. Hopefully Reaper doesn't mind me dropping onto the feedback train, but I just have one or two things you may wanna consider before taking Ashlee to Character Creation:

In your history section, what exactly were people blackmailing Ashlee with? It sounds like she was a pretty quiet kid with a well-off family, so I'm just curious where and how people got dirt on her- unless you just mean just general bullying for her being an outcast. A brief clarification is appreciatied. Furthermore why does she still act submissive half the time when people start to push her and her brother around, when she knows she can fight back? Does she just not like fighting? Basically, just a bit of clarification is appreciated.

Also, at no point in the profile is her nickname explained. It's cool if you want it to be a secret - you could put it in a spoiler, or just message a mod directly if you really don't want it out there. But let us know!

Thanks for your patience, I look forwards to seeing Ashlee on the board!
« Last Edit: August 22, 2019, 12:42:29 PM by Moth »
Prism Skylark - Beacon First Year, Winged Sharpshooter and Leader of Team CASA (Casanova) #ffffff

Chantou Rou - Beacon First Year, Insect-Eyed Rebel of Team LGGR (Lager) #ff82a4

Albrecht Clodwal - Beacon First Year, White Knight Nice-Guy of Team CNRS (Cinerous) #00a4a4

Azre and Erza Sundown- Shade First Years, Fallen Stars of Team RASB (Raspberry) #fe2d00, #feab00

Jima Purpora - Beacon Third Year, Grimm-Obsessed Scholar of Team PLSM (Plasma) #6e3aa8

ShadowPower

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Re: Ashlee "Shai" Sanders
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2019, 07:33:19 PM »
I have fixed up my character, tell me if it's still better or not.
Ashlee "Shai" Sanders "Stealth is what you have to be afraid of" (cocks gun)

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Re: Ashlee "Shai" Sanders
« Reply #8 on: August 23, 2019, 09:38:35 PM »
A'ight, so I'm satisfied with combat behavior for now, but I'm still going to have to ask you to remove the section in Aura and Semblance where you say her outfit changes when she has low aura.  See my previous post as for why.

Regarding what Moth said about Ashlee's nickname, I'm pretty sure she was asking you to explain the "Shai" part, rather than asking you to give her a nickname.   
Smokey Emberstone Beacon 1st Year and the Immovable Gunslinger of Team DASE "I've got more than enough firepower to beat you" "You've only got one bullet!" "Like I said, more than enough"

Aurelia Lumen Beacon 3rd year and the Warhorse of Team (TBD)  "Lay down your weapons, lest you wish to taste my steel!"

Wabul "Toast" Paka Shade 1st year and the Acrobatic Swashbuckler of Team (TBD)  "Hey, I'm gonna go jump off a bridge, who's with me?"

Lucas Meridiem Haven 4th year and the Hermit of Team (TBD)  "What's so great about 'bittersweet'?"

Clara Meridiem Beacon 1st year and the Blast Magician of Team (TBD) "No one likes just plain ol' bitter"

Hexcodes:
515151
FFD700
E55812
CCE9AE

ShadowPower

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Re: Ashlee Sanders
« Reply #9 on: August 23, 2019, 09:43:05 PM »
It's done now. I don;'t know why I had the "Shai" part, thought that meant middle name.
Ashlee "Shai" Sanders "Stealth is what you have to be afraid of" (cocks gun)