[Dragolianx]

CHARACTER

Name: Mavi Kobold

Age: 17

Species and Gender: Human Male

Symbol: http://dragolianx.deviantart.com/art/Mavi-Kobold-Symbol-642185455

Occupation: Hunter in training 1st year at Shade Academy

Appearance: Tall well-built with a dark complection, around 6’2 weighs around 200lbs. Slightly spiky black hair, dark blue eyes, black T-Shirt with white sleeves, blue vest with a gold trim, black pants, black and white sneakers. 

History: Mavi was born in Vacuo. His family wasn’t very wealthy because his father was a retired hunter and worked with his mom at a weapon repair shop. As a kid he liked to watch action movies with his dad. His mom wanted him to get a job as an engineer. However, Mavi wanted to be a hunter like his dad used to be. Whenever they weren’t watching action movies or fixing weapons Mavi’s dad would teach him karate.
During his training Mavi had his aura unlocked by his dad. He learned many forms and techniques from his father while training in the martial arts. Mavi’s father mainly taught him the Uechi-ryū Seisan style of Karate, which focuses mainly on three strikes at a time. The main strikes Mavi learned were one knuckle strikes, front kick strikes, and spearhand strikes.
One day while Mavi’s parents were out of the shop one of the shelves fell and almost crushed him. Luckily for him his semblance kicked in and protected him from harm. When his parents got home and saw one of their shelves broken they asked their son one happened. Mavi’s father seemed to know what his son did, and decided to test his theory in their next training session. The next time Mavi’s father trained his son he used a wooden bo staff to attack his son. Mavi instinctively raised his arms and the staff shattered upon impact. It was then that Mavi’s father told his son that he had unlocked his semblance. He could turn his skin as hard as stone. Mavi then decided to try and use his semblance every time he trained, but soon learned about its limits. He could only hold it for around three and half minutes until the effect wore off, and that continued use would drain his aura too quickly.
In order to help with this problem, Mavi’s father invented his barrier gloves. At first glance the gloves looked like a regular pair of black work gloves. The hands had blue padding on them, but the back of each hand a circular ring on them. There was also a pair of metallic wristbands that went along with the gloves. When Mavi put them on his father told him to flick his wrist. When he did a 2ft energy shield appeared on the back of the gloves. With his new weapon Mavi continued his training.
Around the time Mavi turned 13 his father registered him to go to Oasis Academy so he could continue his training. While at Oasis Mavi found out that all of the other kids there were just as good as he was, and this motivated him to get even better. Whenever there was a sparring match Mavi would always try to win, but he never fights dirty. While at Oasis Mavi decided to upgrade his weapon as well making it easier to use and more compatible with dust. Once Mavi turned 17 he graduated from Oasis and went on to Shade Academy.


Personality: Whenever he’s in a bad mood he mouths off to anyone around him, including any authority figures. Mavi is very sociable. He makes friends by fighting with them. He treats friends with respect, but does argue about which one of them is. Mavi treats his enemies with enough respect to fight them with everything he has. He respects authority figures with respect, but does end up mouthing off when he’s mad. Mavi likes to read action stories in his spare time. He also has an addiction to cashews and keeps a small baggie of them in his pocket at all times. Also Mavi is terrible at math, whenever he tries he ends up with a huge headache.

Aura and Semblance: Unbreakable Skin – Mavi’s skin can harden for up to 30-40 seconds at a time. While hardened Mavi can take any melee attack, gunshots still hurt him. If Mavi uses his semblance too soon after his time limit runs out, he’ll run the risk of draining his aura too fast. He would have to wait about 1-2 minutes for it to cool down. However if he were to take a strong enough hit his semblance would instantly cancel out.
Example 1: Mavi meets Nora. He tells Nora that pancakes are gross. Nora pulls out her hammer. Mavi tries to use his semblance. Nora hits Mavi with her hammer. Mavi gets wrecked.

Combat Behavior: When in combat Mavi uses the Sanchin stance to keep himself steady. This stance also helps him withstand any opponents blows. Mavi’s Uechi-ryū Seisan style of Karate focuses mainly on three strikes at a time. The main strikes Mavi learned were one knuckle strikes, front kick strikes, and spearhand strikes. He activates his semblance in short bursts in order to protect himself from and minor damage. In addition to this Mavi also trained with a sword and pistol. Mavi is also conscious about not fighting dirty when fighting. When in combat Mavi is known to have a delayed reaction time if his opponent moves too fast.Another thing to take into consideration is Mavi’s endurance. Thanks to his semblance he can protect himself for a little bit, but if a fight gets dragged on for too long he will start to feel exhausted.
Uechi-ryū Seisan style
 -Knuckle Strikes
 -Quick Punches
 -Quick Kicks
 -Spearhand Strikes
Sanchin stance – Used to keep himself steady


WEAPON

Name: Bolt Saber

Primary Form: A blue curved pistol. A 2ft curved blade is attached to the top by a hinge. A slot for dust cartridges can be located on the back strap.

Secondary Form: The blade folds out and locks in place on the barrel. Mavi is still able to fire off dust rounds while his weapon is in Saber mode.

Dust Functions: When dust in inserted into the cartridge Mavi can fire them with his bullets when his weapon is in pistol form. When his weapon is in Saber form he can still fire off a dust round, but it will split when it hits the saber. He can then guide the shot by slashing with the Saber sort of like this(http://www.ssbwiki.com/images/thumb/0/03/CloudNeutral1-SSB4.png/200px-CloudNeutral1-SSB4.png) . He mostly uses Fire and Wind dust to do this. When in pistol form he can load up Fire, Wind, and Lighting Dust to add that element to his bullets.

History: Mavi learned that he had to make a weapon when he got to Oasis, and he couldn’t choose between a sword or a gun since he had training in both. So he decided to make a combination of the two. With a little help from home he was able to forge a gun that could also double as a sword when the need arises.



Name meaning: Mavi is Turkish for blue. Kobold is German for goblin ore which produces a blue pigment.

Origin & Influences: Mostly influenced by the Blue Ranger from Power Ranger Dino Thunder in terms of semblance. As for the weapon, minor Captain America influence.

Region: Vacuo

Theme Song: Core Pride – UVERworld 

[Viventium Umbra]

First off, welcome to the forum! Now, onto the review.

Before I actually review the profile, please change it to use the creation template found here. You can add extra sections like origin and quotes onto it if you want. Also, just looking it over, the history, appearance, weapon, semblance, and combat behavior sections need a lot more detail. If you want examples, there are lots in the approved characters section here.

[Kaliot]

In case you're done editing, make sure you post to let Vivi know.

[Viventium Umbra]

Oh, thanks Kali. Sorry about that Drago, I for got to tell you that you should reply to the profile once you've made your edits. That way I can see the notification and go over the profile again. Now that you've got the formatting in, I'll review it for real.

Occupation:
Include what year of schooling he's in and what school he attends. I'm assuming 1st year at Shade based on his age and history, but know that if he got into Shade any younger than 17, you're going to need to explain it very well.

Appearance:
This needs to be a lot longer. You want someone who has never heard of your character before to be able to visualize him in their head. Add height, weight, how he's built, and if there's any sort of atmosphere that accompanies his presence. Uncouth T-Rex is really good at this, so if you want an appearance section to aspire to, just check out one of his character profiles.

History:
-   You're going to need to add a lot more here. How wealthy was his family? When/how did he unlock his semblance? Your personality section suggest he's quite a competitive person, so what made him that way? Those are just some ideas, but you need to flesh out his past more.
-   You don't get into a major combat academy with nothing but karate training, and you haven't specified when/where he got his weapon, so you need to add that. I would suggest either saying that he attended primary combat schooling at Oasis before he moved to Shade, or add more detail about how his father trained him.
-   One can only get into a combat academy by passing an enrollment exam consisting of an academic test, a sparring test, and a live combat test. Or you could have him go to Oasis and move on to Shade with sufficient combat and academic scores. Just because his dad's a hunter doesn't mean he can just get into Shade and bypass all that.

Personality:
This section looks pretty good, but add some intellectual weaknesses. (i.e. What subjects he's good at/does poorly in and other things related to smarts,)

Aura and Semblance:
-   You're going to want to describe this better. I think what you're saying is that he can harden his skin so that melee weapons don't hurt him, but I'm not quite sure.
-   Add some value of strain. Semblances are sort of like muscles, and you can't just use it all the time (just like no one can do an all-out sprint perpetually). It doesn't have to be complicated, the most common would be examples of how tired he gets per use or how tired he gets after a certain amount of time.

Combat Behavior:
-   You say he's very defensive, and yet he doesn't hold back when fighting grimm. Those contradict each other, and you should either clarify or pick one fighting style.
-   That little bit about how he freezes up when he sees people kill themselves isn't really a combat weakness. When people commit suicide, they don't do so in combat, not to mention that as far as I know there haven't been any real suicide instances on this forum ever. That said, add some weaknesses and strengths into this section so that a reader can tell what he's good and bad at.

Weapon:
-   You need to describe the appearance and capabilities of each section, and you need to describe how the weapon transforms from primary to secondary form.
-   As for dust functions, add a description of each dust type he uses in the gauntlets, how much of each type he carries, and what each type does.

[Dragolianx]

I finished my edit again

[Dr. Gustave]

Just an extra note, since neither Africa nor America exist in Remnant, instead of saying "African american" say "of a dark complexion" or "dark skinned" or just "black". Easy mistake to make.

[Viventium Umbra]

Occupation:
You still need to specify what year of schooling and what school he goes to.

History:
The history's looking a lot better, but you include details such as the style of martial arts he learned, the size of the energy shield, and the fact that he quite, "never fights dirty." It's fine to have these things in your history, but you should also include them in their respective sections (combat behavior, and weapon description).

Aura and Semblance:
-   3-4 minutes is too long for immunity to physical attacks. You're going to need to nerf the time heavily. Remember that a fight lasts at maximum about 3-4 minutes, so the current version of the semblance is too powerful.
-   I don't think I was very clear about it earlier, but semblances wear on the user's stamina, not their aura. You need to fix that in your profile.

Weapon:
-   You say the shield is 1 foot in his history, so that should be included here. Also, is it one foot diameter or one foot radius?
-   An energy shield (by that, I think you mean hardlight) is a lot of tech that a poor family should not be able to afford. With that in mind, you should either explain how his father got ahold of that kind of tech or just make it a normal shield.
-   As far as I know, you can't use hardlight as a projectile because it needs to be generated, so detaching from the gloves is not allowed. Again, a normal shield would work better.
-   Include a measure of drain for the dust cartridges. How long can a single cartridge last or how many hits can it take before running out of dust are some ideas.

[Dr. Gustave]

Moving to MiA.

[Dragolianx]

I finished the revisions

[Viventium Umbra]

Alright, we're almost there, so just bear with me.

Aura and Semblance:
-   The duration is ok, but he should have a set cooldown so that he doesn't just use it a bunch of times in a row to extend the duration.
-   Like I said before, semblances don't drain aura, they drain stamina. Change that, and give an example of how much stamina he loses when he uses the semblance. Is he staggered or exhausted after a few uses? How many times can he use it before he can no longer fight? Stuff like that.

[Dragolianx]

Finished

[Viventium Umbra]

I don't think I missed anything, so I guess it's good enough for me. +1

[jjb2158]

Alright, round one for the second approval:

Semblance:
Full invulnerability is considered OP and is not allowed. You can have a defense semblance, but it cannot make you invulnerable. There needs to be a breaking point to it so please indicate what that is.

Combat Behavior:
All I see here are his strengths. Every character has weaknesses so please list his weaknesses. There will need to be at least 3-4 weaknesses. Feel free to look at the other approved characters for ideas.

Weapon:
Please explain how the gloves are able to create an energy shield. You can't simply say it is able to do it and think it'll be fine. Just note that high tech weapons are based off of a trust system so if you're trying to create a high-tech weapon then I will have to say that it won't be allowed for now until you've built some trust with the staff on the board first. If this is going to be based off of dust then you will need to explain how it's possible as well as how long the duration and strength of the shield is.

That covers it for me.

[Dragolianx]

I made the necessary revisions, but I had to change the weapon. After a while it just seemed a little dumb.

[jjb2158]

Round two now:

Semblance
The issue I had raised has still not been addressed as you still have down that he can "take any physical attack". This is equivalent to invulnerability and will not be allowed so please address this issue.

Combat Behavior:
The weaknesses listed (I'm seeing two) are both rather small weaknesses. Seeing that he's already a quick fighter, to find another fighter that can fight faster than him, making his reaction times slower, will be rare and few. There will need to be at least one major weakness (every character has one) to offset all his strengths.

Weapon:
Weapon concept is fine, but I would like to see exactly what types of dust he uses and the effects of each dust type.

Lastly, I noticed that you have a little origin section at the bottom of the character sheet. I'm not sure if this is still relevant since you've changed his weapon, but wanted to at least bring it up.